Things I do not appreciate:-

1. People playing games with their facebook status.
2. Being made to feel like everything is continually my fault and I'm generally inadequate.
3. Being made to feel like I need to persude someone that they should be with me.
4. People who are quick to point out other people's personality flaws without acknowledging that they themselves have many.
5. Moody, self indulgent behaviour.

It would probably be easier to just call it a day, I don't do chasing and I certainly don't do grovelling to those who aren't willing to actually just sit down and talk through issues that would easily be solved with one, single, "real" conversation.

I'm not a fan of cowardly behaviour and half-arsed efforts and I think I deserve better than being blocked out and kept on hold.

Cut your losses?

Just like any other room

I'm really fucking scared.

I wish someone would do something.

I can't cope anymore.

You cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed. And there's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold.

The first week of september is going to be incredible.

I sometimes think things havent turned out the way they should be. Nothing really makes sense I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something or someone and suddenly the whole reason for any of this will be blindingly obvious and I'll shake off the past four months. Do you ever think something's wrong with you? Like everyone else gets something that you don't?

In another few weeks time maybe I'll start writing about clothes and exhibitions and literature and life again.

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now. I got the spirit lose the feeling, let it out somehow

Sometimes I think that no one else in the world can feel anything. I really want to feel something. I want to feel something and to watch other people feel it too. I want to stand next to someone and literally feel the emotion burning out through their skin and watch someone else as confused as me. There is so much in life left to do and I'm angry that we're given so few years to achieve a lifetime of ambitions that aren't even our own, other people's ambitions that we adopt because we're greedy. But we're not greedy we're over-exposed and we expect too much of ourselves but if we have the capacity to nurture these expectations why can't we achieve them? I want people to take risks and pull me down after them so that whatever happens cant be my fault. Sometimes I fantasise, if you can call it that, about terrible things. I imagine what life would be like if I'd never had a family, people with expectations of me. Or if someone told me I was sick and only had six months left. And I think of all the things I would do if I didn't owe anyone anything and there was no such thing as consequences. And I feel relieved and excited and terrified and my heart goes and then I finally finally think THAT is what living must feel like.

The only thing to do with a woman is to make love to her if she's pretty and to someone else if she's plain.

Literally running on empty right now.

Sherlock Holmes
Tatler
Warm clean bed
Yummy smelling candles
Gin and tonic
Sorted for the night.

Tomorrow I'm going to start over again (and again).

To do list for the month -

1. Become "seriously" vegan
2. Smoke less
3. Apply for my LPC
4. Book my trip to Copenhagen
5. Read something sensational



Hold me to it.

Just call me "M'am"

In a few hours, I'm going to be an auntie. Please be a boy.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

I need some time off away from everything. I've made such an effort recently to cut out all the people in my life who have a negative influence on me or involve me in unhealthy relationships. I hope it's a start, but there is so much more still to go. I'm literally taking shots in the dark at what it is that's wrong with me. I cant stand going to work tomorrow, I need to get away from here. Or not, in fact I think what I need is to draw the curtains, go to bed and not wake up for two weeks. Kind of like the shock therapy they gave to psychiatric patients in the 50's, I need a massive shock to the system and then just to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wake up with all my neaurological pathways cleared and re-set. Of course it wasn't a resounding success the first time around.

A series of unfortunate events

Today was incredible.

I need something beautiful to happen. I miss that absolute, complete and utter asorbption into someone else's life.

Everything seems shallow and superficial at the moment. I know it sounds sick, but I almost want to break down completely so that someone can take me somewhere, hand over all the responsibility to someone else and just let them fix my life for me.

I wonder if it's possibly to completely re-invent yourself. I could wake up tomorrow and decide to stop smoking, stop drinking, become completely raw vegan and run away. Get away somewhere. I could pitch up in York and live in a little house on a cobbled street and find a job. I could work at a Rescue Home and walk dogs and get devastating amounts of fresh air every day and go to the local pub after work and gossip about people I don't know. It doesn't sound so impossible. I need to start making my own decisions, I think I care too much about what people think of me, about what's expected of me. If I'm going to make mistakes...

Won't go to sleep without a bedtime Tory

Pretty much sums up this weekend. Please all take time to appreciate how heart-breakingl beautiful my new tassled embellished boots and smells-so-good-you-want-to-milk-it bag are. Yes, yes they're pretty. Yes, yes it is quite fun being this shallow.

The Maison Martin Margiela exibition actually surpassed all expectations, the screenings in particular were incredible and they had so many quirky little exibits on display including the fabric-cake-dress worn at the birthday celebrations, old tickets and flyers and of course several pairs of the Tabi boots (which, incidently, i now know would be oh so practical when climbing bamboo, an occasion for which I have never before found a suitable shoe). The clothes were beautiful, in particular one dress which had a perfect imprint of an old vintage evening gown on it. Everything so was so entirely distressed that it was the imperfections which made everything so perfect. I have NEVER before seen clothes that resemble real "art" so much, which is obviously helped enormously by the use of paint on fabric, paint as make-up (did I mention the make-up? The models had glitter applied to their knees and fabric roses attached to their faces to create the impression that the flowers were actually growing out of their skin) and texture. There was the most beautiful structured piece of knitwear which was a sort of green and silver chainmail effect. I can't even describe the rest of it, the entire collection was beautifully french (though a bit more european than usual) and perfectly constructed.


Anyhoo then it was time to sit in the courtyard, drink more gin, smoke slims and enjoy watching people playing in the water.






My new mum-style jeans are my absolute faves, it's taken me months to find a pair of jeans I like so I may never take these off again.



On a worse note, a load of stuff has happened recently that I haven't told a lot of people about, so I'm taking a break from everything.

Ta ra

Back on it like sonic

Posts deleted, much better.

I've made so many massive decisions over the past few days. Like, really huge. I feel better about things, well, I had a really low day today but that was because this place is an absolute sahara and when you're running around all day it completely saps your energy, I think maybe I just didn't have the capacity to feel better about things.

Ok, so:

1. More family - more proper, old school, "family activities". Shopping with mumsey, cinema with the sis-meister, something boaty with daddy? Ill be an auntie in a month, time to put in the hours right?

2. Out with the old, in with the new - I'm deleting all my "unhealthy relationship people" from my phone, facebook, life... It's actually going to be pretty hard, but I feel like I probably take pleasure in pro-longing things to the point of absolute pent-up stress and anger on both sides. The purposes we used to serve eachother aren't neccessary anymore, so there's really no reason to keep getting under one another's skin.

3. Less alcohol, fewer cigarettes - im not making this a massive priority.

4. No ebay. As soon as I've sold my last item im closing the account. Fringed cowboy boots and moschino bags do not a fulfilling lifestyle make.

5. More water. Self-explantory.

6. Take LPC next year, do lots of training and LPM's at work and generally become the most clued up little smartarse in preparation for it.

7. Kind of a tangent of point 2 - make a massive effort with people i havent ever been hugely close to, have only recently met or haven't seen in a while.

Point 2 is what I'm looking forward to the most, and 6.

I really need for this to work. Exeter was incredible but at the same time I ended up in situations that ive been in a million times before. Situations that used to be exciting but now are just tedious.

Oh wait, 8. - read more novels.

Instant Gratification

Deleted most of this blog. Sorry, I went a few weeks writing stuff just for my own eyes hence a lot of censoring.

Really impressed with my jeffry campbell clogs, Matt Smith, my new egyptian ring, Tom Down and my dad.

Incredible weekend.

As of tomorrow

I am trying something new. Something normal. Something that resembles the way I used to be when I was younger.

I dont know what to do about this weekend. I want to do things, but maybe i need a few days off from socialising to just relax and see how the eating thing goes?

Anyway, I'm privitisng my blog for a while, because all of this is extremely personal stuff. When i make it public again, these posts will be deleted. Wish me luck.

FRANKIE! I THINK YOU'RE GOING DEAF MATE, YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP! "I'm thinking about getting some professional help"

So past couple of days at work have been manic - suddenly all of our cases seem to be encountering problems or missing deadlines. I was about to release a statement yesterday when I was told that one of the lawyers had just received a call to say that we have reason to believe that one of the fathers has hired an assassin to take out the social worker if the statement is released.

So pretty much myself and most of my friends are living on tight budgets right now, but the difference is huge. I hear stories of friends who buy basic brand food to save a bit of money, or take the bus instead of the tube because it's cheaper. And then there's me, whose budget consists of "I've bought five dresses, shall I be a good girl and return one of them?". Mad hatters. I wish I was responsible and organised with my money. I never know how much I have until I hit rock bottom and have to start frantically selling my clothes to get in the clear again before pay day. I'd love to not care about clothes and expensive books and stupid over-priced organic vegetables. I wish I drank water from the tap. Some of you know I've been thinking recently about giving everything up. Every single vain little vice I have. I've thought about it really seriously, I'd sell all my ridiculous clothes and use the money to buy jeans and jumpers and coats and converse and wooley hats and completely cute (the way wallflowers are cute) clothes. I'd get a "proper blaady haircut" and dye my hair back to its natural colour and take out my belly button ring and my tragus and even think about getting my tattoos removed (except my foot, i love that one). I'd basically dress like Bella Swan from Twilight.



Another advantage - I think I'd start attracting "nice" boys. Not dull, arrogant, insecure, walking, talking wetdreams. I'd do "nice" things like read lots of unpretentious books, and paint, and go hiking in the lake district with a "nice" boy. I'd drink beer like a boy and eat roast dinners like a boy and go to the cinema and call people on the phone more often. Maybe I'd go to the beach more. I've always wondered how Bella Swan makes the seasonal transition though. What does she wear in summer? Or to gigs? Anyway, that is all still a movement in motion.

This weekend should be lovely, though I can't decide what I'm doing. Might be going camping on the moors in Devon and having a BBQ. I don't know.

Why is life such a big competition?

Call the therapist

I am in one epic, ongoing, incessant, BLACK MOOD. As the kids on Glee would call it, a "funk". I'm past caring who reads this, who thinks I need to snap out of it and get my head together, who thinks it's the kind of dirty laundry I shouldn't be airing in public. I feel like something's wrong, and I cant work out whether its something thats missing or something thats already in my life that shouldnt be. And the worst thing is in the past I've always played it down whenever Im feeling shitty and I've made a joke out of it and gotten over it in a couple of hours. So recently when really close friends have asked me how I am I've actually tried to tell them that somethings not right but even after I've finished talking this frustrated feeling inside keeps on going and I want to turn around and tell them that even after everything I've just said to them I feel like they still don't get it. I want to say to them "you have absolutely no idea how horrible I feel at the moment because I cant express it and there aren't words for it and this isn't something I'm going sleep off and have forgotten about in the morning and I need you to acknowledge how utterly crap I feel but you cant". I know I'm being a whingey little bint. The sad thing about blogs, and diaries for that matter, is that you only tend to write negative things in them because its a way of trying to take the negativity out of yourself and displace it onto paper. We rarely feel the need to write about all the incredible, lovely things that happen to us, we just keep those things to ourselves because sharing them almost devalues the feeling.

I really dont know what I want. The past few days had the potential to be the happiest ones I've had this year, so many gorgeous people invited me to lots of things but half of them I couldnt work up the energy to go to and those I did go to I just completely didn't enjoy the way I normally would have.

I hardly ever feel sad, and in the past when I have Ive always known exactly what it takes to get rid of the feeling and get myself back on track. Am I unhappy because I have so much control over my own life and I keep making bad decisions? Maybe my decisions arent even so bad. I could list the things in my life that I'm unhappy about, but I'd rather not. Its a short list anyway and in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky in life. You know what doesn't lift your mood? Watching Birgitte Bardot films one after the other. Moody, sulky, pathetic little betrayer of our entire gender. I really need someone to say to me that they understand how low I feel right now, that they can actually imagine right now the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the absolute numbness in my head and the unending feeling that something needs to be fixed and I can't work out what it is. Im starting to wonder now I'm writing this whether its maybe something that I can't even fix myself, that I need someone else to do for me.

I'm blue abidee abudiii

Eurgh. Next post will be better. If you want to feel less exasperated with me then watch the Daisy Lowe video below. Puts your head in a much better place.

get lowe

What did I say Eddie? What did I say when you found out you were pregnant? "You said get me the knitting needle, Pats" A KNITTING NEEDLE SAFFIE

I can't wait to start my ilex course, I'm so over not having anything left to achieve.



I'm finding people in general really dull at the moment. Why aren't we all more spontaneous? I also seem to be finding that people read far too much into what others say and generally take everything too seriously - they're just words, and words are so easily misinterpreted. I'm finding it so tedious when people throw a strop (usually about something I've said or done) when if they could just get over themselves for one minute they'd realise that, actually, no one wants anything from you and no one has even asked. This is me, not taking responsibility for anything. (But it's true)

I have five gorgeous days off work now. I'm going to spend a lot of time sleeping, drinking gin and tonic, going for lovely long,loud drives with my windows down and music up, going to the pub with friends and spending money on frivilous meaningless trinkets and then desperately hiding them from my parents.

I love my new hat by the way, I'll post pictures soon.

So this weekend I'm going to exeter for the day on saturday to see old friends and for a change of scene (I never thought it possible to get tired of london what with so much to do, but it really is) and then sunday and monday I'm going to go back to lightwater and have drinks in my lovely big garden and HAVE THE HOTTEST BUBBLE BATH ANYONE EVER EVER EVER HAS HAD. You know that saying about how you know a bath is hot when you put your hand in and you cant tell if its too hot or too cold? I love going home, I have this little ritual that i've had for years I'm going to go home and have my lovely hot bath, then i'm going to wrap up in a towel, get a cold glass of wine and a cigarette and sit in the garden. Then i'm going to make the biggest, yummiest salad and watch my new Brigitte Bardot collection on the big screen and see old friends. It is really quite pathetic how much im looking forward to that but i'm seriously more exicted about that than any other part of my weekend including exeter, including the hoxton pony, including watching the world cup, all of it.

I found an old playlist today, songs i havent heard in months. I adore it and have had it on repeat for hours. I think the guy downstairs probably despises me. That and also i think he's in a mood because when i get home i pick up the post and put it on the table, where as he actually sorts my post and stacks it into a neat little pile and leaves it outside my door. What's the opposite of boys will be boys?

I miss lots of people. Particularly those travelling and working abroad. I adore you, the oldies are the besties.

Thats what dancers do

Day two of detox.
Cigarettes: 6
Glasses of wine: 3

My new favourite person is Josephine De La Baume.

Everything at work is driving me insane.


"This dance is the one
It's the long spin and its just begun
I'll hold onto you
That's what dancers do."

Detox, retox, reinvention.

Blonde hair, brown eyes. Hello hair dye and hello coloured contacts.



May need to work on something resembling a tan.

As of tomorrow, incredible detox. This has been a terrible weekend for drinking and smoking and all things unhealthy. So tomorrow its oats and fruit and 2 litres of water a day until friday.

I want to be completely unrecognizable. Right now I am a female Fonze. Dislike.

I'd quite like a russian accent too. But apparently we cant have everything.

Ilex are being shockingly awful at getting back to me on my qualification. As Denise would say, "I feel a letter coming on".

I need to start reading properly again, I miss that. I only have four days of work this week and three days the following week, I actually cant wait to have 5 full days off work in June. Still undecided about Isle of Wight. I might just make a massive effort to do a mini road trip maybe go to york or see old friends from home.

I need to start wearing my thigh high boots, they are looking decidedly neglected with their teasing little tassles and studs and pixie toes.

Loving Solveig Selj, Vincent Peters and Terry Richardson at the moment. I would adore to be in a proper short fashion film. I've decided i might start doing video blogs. That way at least when I'm talking about trivial things that only I find at all interesting you can watch my eyebrows. I did a short test the other day, I have some seriously odd facial expressions. Little did I know ive spent the past 22 years of my life alternating between looking disgustingly patronising or generallly bemused by life.

No walk of shame

Someone bring me a fucking fruit pastilles ice lolly.

fashion in motion

yawn. Same old people.

The Status Quo

Self:
Frustrated
Overwhelmed
Decisive
Pleased my epic-showstopping-injury has finally healed.

Things to buy:
Silver Egyptian ring
Studded platform clogs
Chelsea boots
Cover for my blackberry
Typhoo tea bags
bin-liners
mouthwash


Books:
Jeremy Paxman - A portrait of people
The Oxford History of Britain
The Use and Abuse of Logic
The Blackest Street
Pardon my French - Charles Timoney

Decisions made:
Ilex Legal Executive Lawyer Diploma - it's on like donkey kong.

Music:
Aphex Twin
Vivaldi
Reitzell

Out with the new, in with the old.

I officially know possibly the most emotionally fucked up person in Britain. It's actually like trying to re-teach a child the most basic of emotions and the most simple of human behaviours and niceties.

I feel like a traitor saying this now that Summer has officially arrived, but I'm so done with the way my life has been for the past couple of months. All silly "alternative" exhibitions and niche clubs and late nights and leather and post-work drinking and too much smoking and buying and selling. I want to take a break. I want to come home and drink tea and read all my lovely historial books and listen to my Versailles soundtrack and study for my Ilex. I really, really do. I want to be a geek and not go drinking and just spend more "quality time" with people. I want to start watching films again.

Man up

am about to spend stupid amounts of money on raw vegan food ordered online. I am such a marketer's dream.

What's the name of that tower in London?

Pre-warning, this is going to be an absolute rant-a-thon.

1. I am horrifically bad for myself. Drinking, smoking, not sleeping and puting myself in situations I really shouldn't be in. I'm running out of motivation and new ideas on how to "fix" myself, nothing seems to work. I seem to go through addictive phases of various "lifestyle choices" before I get bored and move on to the next big thing. I can seriously say I have very few accurate conceptions of what life should be like on a day to day basis, what's healthy or normal. I'm a little bit scared about the damage I'm doing, sometimes when I have a drink I can carry on a normal conversation and secretly in the back of my mind i'm trying to count how many calcium tablets ive taken recently. I'm rapidly running out of ideas and its difficult when i everything i do, i do to make myself happy, how can making yourself slightly more miserable be good for your health? I blame science. Seriously, if there is anyone out there who considers themselves a bit of a life-guru or is at all god at giving advice, tell me, it would be amazing to have one person know whats actually going on without it having to affect my entire life.

2. It is very possible to be a girl and to be entirely unemotional and disengaged about certain people - living proof.

3.

4. Probably the most irritating - I have had SO many conversations recently where i seriously feel like I'm keeping up the entire convernsation, which is made more irritating by the fact that it isn't even me who initiates it. I'm utterly bored of talking to men who, bless them, don't even appear to catch on to the fact that yes girls can have interesting lives, careers, families and friends too, you're just too socially ignorant to take an interest in them and so you're perfectly happy so sit there whilst I keep up the chat and ask you insightful questions about your life whilst secretly dying a little inside every time. The worst thing? When I end up being whinged at about how you "barely even got to know me". Well we know you. And I am bored.

Last night was incredibly fun but massive apologies to anyone who recieved a text, it was not a great night for thinking before speaking. Today is a helluva duvet day, I have 90210, I have peep show, I have inglorious bastards and I have an entire mango. The best fruit in the world next to grapes and cherries. I am one happy hermit. Ive decided today is still going to be immensely productive though, I have a list of so many things Ive yet to do in London I'm going to try and organise myself, in fact I think today might be the monthly get-it-together day.


I need a new vice.

Everybody thinks that girl's a lady but I don't, I think that girl's shady

The next two weekends are going to be immense, plus I've worked well over my hours recently so I have a lots of lovely flexi time to take off so I'm thinking a few long weekends are in order. I really need to start taking my camera out with me and completely defile my blog with whorey pictures.

I submitted my first ever grown up vote today :) It was all terribly informal and odd. Also the polling station was the village hall where I used to attend brownies and girl guides, so I spent most of my time in the queue thinking about how I don't actually remember any of the skills I learnt at guides, with one exception - I remember how to make fish fingers. Quite useless, I don't like fishfingers. I don't like much. Particularly not fish fingers.

I should be getting my adorable peter pan dress soon, it's very Wednesday Adams (apt) so if it comes before saturday I'm thinking my black suede office platforms and thigh-high socks, maybe a bowler hat depending on the probability of ever seeing it again if I take it to barfly.

I'm in the mood for shisha.

Quote of the day "So I waited until things were obviously a bit rocky with his girlfriend, and then I thought "right, he's vulnerable..."

Don't want cash, don't want card, want it fast, want it hard

I did something really terrible last night. You know who you are and I'm sorry, I still adore you, but I'll leave you alone for a bit.

This entire weekend has been absolutely surreal, including today. Back to reality tomorrow, can still barely walk because of my leg. I've seen literally no live music in about three months, needs sorting. I ordered my skinny school blazer today and this beautiful gold vintage dress with black fringing all the way down the sleeves.

WHY DO I CONSTANTLY FEEL FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE?

Kingston, Embargos, Kings Road, Camden, BBQ's and bruises

I fucking love my life

Its an honour to disagree with you

I absolutely point blank no arguments refuse to go to camden this weekend. I will NOT be teased and taunted by all the dank dingy sweaty sexy plastic beer cup fun whilst I am enjoying my lovely frosted-glass martini on Kings Road this Saturday.

Absolutely not.

I regret

Everything that happened today. Literally. Unimpressed with myself today.

The one time I actually put some effort into this thing and I deleted it.

I adore this time of year, I swear everyone suddenly becomes incredibly sexy. I love how we're all perched on pavements smoking and drinking wine. It might nearly, nearly, be time for the coconut cup to make its 2010 debut.

I just sold a sequinned biker jacket that I bought for literally nothing for like £90. I feel so much better about the manic spree I had earlier this week. As far as biker jackets go I have one studded, one sequinned, one fitted and one cropped. That can NOT be healthy.

This weekend will be beautiful. Riverside drinks on Friday, Saturday at Embargos and Sunday at Dawn's yearly BBQ. Monday should be something special, something different. I hate that no one seems to act on impulse anymore. Very few things, very few PEOPLE, excite me any more. Thrills and spills.

I look myself in the face and whisper "I'm in the wrong place"

It's 5:30 pm on saturday afternoon and I am several largetackyplasticcups of wine down already, I seriously swear there is nothing more heavenly than spending all day by the river in Kingston drinking that said I've seriously had enough of deck-shoe wearing man sluts trying to start conversations by either asking my opinion on their salary or making ascertains like "look at that boat, minute it needs parking the woman surrenders the steering", because, actually, I happen to be a woman and oh my gosh I happen to also be able to moor, yes, boy, MOOR, a boat better than most men. But yes today was lovely I wore the most beautiful new dress it's white with a french bardot collar and large black cuffs it's stunning and I adore it and it makes me feel disgusting french and hepburn-ish. Last night was wonderful saw Becci and Harriet for more drinks and chats and actually ran into an old friend in Kingston and some lovely people from work so all round a successful night and the kind of one where you wake up the next morning with an overwhelming feeling of how perfect everything is. One low point, you know who you are, and if you're reading then I'm sure you've already realised that I meant what I've always said - you make life so difficult I can honestly say I've met few people as soul-destroying as you, it's dull, get over and start participating in life - you might actually enjoy it instead of mocking other people's very satisfying and varied lives which you have no idea about.

I'm going to take it easy this evening and not go out, I'm going to spend all evening in bed, watching old movies drinking more wine and eating enough grapes to make myself ill. Might watch inglorious bastard again. Election debates are getting tedious, particularly watching jeremy paxman's half-hearted efforts at grinding down cameron. Say what you like, I know who I'm voting for.

An experiment in anatomy

I can quite honestly say that over the past week I've spent 6 days being ENTIRELY RAW VEGAN. This is probably the longest I've gone without a lapse (I've gone over a month before on raw food but usually had at least one, sometimes two small slip-ups per week), this time it has been pretty consistent. It's a surreal feeling, Im waiting for the side effects to kick in. Surprisingly I'm never hungry, though I rarely am anyway, and the thought of cooked, "normal" food is verging on slightly repulsive right now. I'm reluctant to say I've been smoking a little bit more this week which has probably had some impact, but my main issue is waiting for the detox effects, I'm almost looking forward to them. The whole foundation of the raw food theory is that your body was not intially designed to eat cooked food, and so by eating entirely raw food (ie. only vegetables, fruit and nuts/seeds) not only does the colon absorb more nutrition from your food and break it down more easily, but the energy you would have expended on digestion is put to use healing your body in other ways (basically the same theory that works when you become ill and fast to get over the illness more quickly). Hippies.

I don't really know how I feel about this yet. It is sustainable, but at the same time I'm curious to try something else. So, as of tomorrow, I'm doing a 7 day protein fast, for lack of a more accurate term, (primarily because the one thing I have definitely been deficient in since eating raw food is protein). I'm a little bit aprehensive, but I'll let you know how it goes. I'll be buying my first protein shakes in the morning...

Why do I have to sabotage EVERYTHING good in my life?
The thoughts I've been having over the past few days...
The things I'm thinking of doing...
Make me the worst kind of person.

Don't give me anything.
Don't be nice to me.

Why is nothing ever good enough for me?

I'm so sorry in advance for what will happen. But I blame you too, stand up to me.

I'm just getting to the point where I wish people would stop tying to get close to me, I will make it my first priority to disappoint you the second I realise you have expectations of me.

I hate you for not being what I want and I hate myself more for not wanting you.

This year

Passed my driving test
Got a car
Got a job
Got a flat
Got my fella back

Productive xxxxxx

You let other women make a fool of you

I absolutely cannot wait until Vintage at Goodwood. All road trips and cider and treehouses and grammaphones heaven.

Two days until the big move, am drastically downsizing my wardrobe so anyone wanting a pair of unworn skyscraper wedges size 4, a paul's boutique bag, a bowler hat and various scarves/necklaces and weird lord of the rings-esque celtic headresses (you haven't experienced a truly askance look from a complete stranger until you've worn a circlet whilst buying cigarettes) then let me know.

Adore you all and seeing most of you soon. x

Pay day

Mine mine mine.

Ridiculous things have happened recently, none of which I particularly feel like sharing.

Bad luck.

Had an incredible weekend and I move into my new abode on Friday, I couldn't possibly be more excited.

New beginnings.

Always. Only.

I have a new hobby

I scream in my car. A lot.

Several really good things happened yesterday. I found my will power again, I signed for my new flat in Teddington and I had a few lovely phone calls from some people who I miss enormously.

And I had a few mini-euphoric moments.

I quite seriously don't want anyone. Ever. Recently I've actually tried to be as amiable and pro-relationship as possible and it seriously just isn't me. It doesn't come naturally. So I'm going to stop. Someone told me I expect too much of men and am never going to find what I'm looking for. I think the point of that was to suggest I "lower my expectations", but in fact I'm just dropping out of the game. I just can't imagine ever wanting to share that much of myself with anyone, at best I think I'd just want someone to chaperone me around and stand there looking pretty, not contribute to the conversation and most certainly not expect anything in return.

So in three weeks time I'll be living in Teddington, near Hampton Court, and with my local on the River Thames.

You know what's odd? I've been in London all day having a lovely time and yet I'm in a foul mood all because I wrote a post-it note for myself saying "Look at ferries for isle of wight fest" and my dad crossed it out and wrote "you're coming on the boat with us". And I literally had an epic tantrum of five year old proportions. Because no I am NOT coming on the boat with them and there is a reason why I need to take the ferry. And I'm in an utterly foul mood because I'm fed up with people telling me and what I am and am not doing when there are quite clearly reasons as to why I do or don't do what I choose to do.

Anyway,

I'm off to bed some unsuspecting men and then never call.

PG Tips

One of you can be quite the arrogant twat these days. Which I despise, because I adore you. Smugness isn't cheeky or teasing, it's incredibly provocative and all you do is inspire me to say something biting and cut you down to size. Which I don't do, because I love you and I'd regret it. Oh and also, you're being completely played everyone else can see it except you. You deserve so much better so stop letting us all take advantage.

ffs

I actually want to scream.

Long live McQueen

Actually, I have all my McQueen pictures lined up ready to post on another tab, but to be perfectly honest I'm really not in the mood to wax lyrical over Lobster shoes and Jack The Ripper Fall 2009 (which was, having said that, epic).

The whole reason I felt inspired to write a post about him just now, days after the actual event, is because I read Tavi's blog. And it really irked me.

"It seems like I haven't stopped crying for days".

Admittedly the girl is thirteen and quite possibly a highly strung emotional wreck what with all the media attention she gets (and the girl has taken to wearing sunglasses indoors ala Wintour when front row at couture), but the number of posts from adults echoing her sentiments I find more than a little bit vulgar.

He was an absolute fashion genuis and one of the most inspiring, eclectic and inventive talents ever produced by our country, but to cry over it? I think that right has already been reserved by family and friends, and it makes me a little bit sick.

Tragic day for the fashion industry, but not personally for you. Get over it.

Oh Abbey Lee Kershaw, be my Valentine?

I'm going to steal her shade of hair colour and "bangs" when my hair is long enough. I think it's such a gorgeous soft dirty blonde, very natural and versatile and my hair's always too fair when it grows out so no roots showing either.

My mum wants a fur coat and they're all out of season so I'm trying to bag her one on ebay. I think she stopped listening after while and has now left me to it. So I went and bid on a chaise lounge for my new place when I get it.



And some gold wine goblets.

And a coal scuttle.

I can see a repeat of the festival wardrobe incident - I will be so poor after all this furniture looting that I won't be able to afford to move out at all and myself and my beautiful antique coal scuttle shall gather dust in the upstairs attic of my parent's house until they can no longer stand it and decide to sell their 42 year old daughter and her beautiful antique coal scuttle to a rich arab on ebay to teach her a lesson.

I don't even plan on having a fire place in my new flat.

London again today but I was actually too tired to do anything. Lagging.



This is me lagging but on another day at Stupid:am. I don't normally post pictures of myself looking shit. Thanks Kate.

The Secret Garden Party



Birthdays - Paris



Camden Crawl


Birthdays - Lake District


Isle of Wight Festival



Glastonbury (possibly)

These violent delights have violent ends

I've just finished reading an article about the Mitford sisters and if there's anything to make you feel hard done by for being brought up in such a superficial and technology-reliant age then this is it. These women are the epitomy of class, each and every one of them could be the heroine of a novel.

To give an example, one of the younger Mitfords became obsessed with Nazism despite being English and on the day that France and Britain declared war she shot herself in the head. The bullet remained lodged there and caused severe brain-damage after which her insane political beliefs transformed into devout religiousness. Hitler himself actually flew her to Switzerland for medical treatment.

Another sister disobeyed her aristocratic father and ran off to another country to work in a bar with her husband, another produced two famous Formula 1 racing drivers and another was the acclaimed novelist Nancy Mitford. Debo Mitford, the only remaining sister resided at Chatsworth House with her husband until his death in 1994 (I think). I just find her entire attitude towards life throughout the interview to be exemplary. These days we tend to either indulge in self-pity or self-esteem, where as I get the impression that herself and her sisters just "got on with it". In her own words she claims that death, money and sex just weren't talked about, so there was never any opportunity to wallow.

I'm going to try and find some more biographies on the Mitfords and learn a bit more about them. I'm just so insanely envious that in a time where women were supposedly suppressed by society it appears that they were actually far more proactive in directing the courses of their own lives and making their own decisions, however controversial.




I will DEFINITELY be dragging myself out of bed at 5am to make it to the next Angels Costumiers sale, apparently it was very much worth the angst. I always find the thought of having to wrestle other women and dig through box after box to find the real treasures a bit intimidating, the same way that Primark inflicts a feeling of cold dread, but it was definitely a mistake to convince myself that I would prefer the lay-in.



Oh speaking of avoiding the masses, I took a little trip to M&S this morning and literally had to step over rows and rows of teenage girls and single mums to get the entrance. Reason being they had all scooched into their sleeping bags and were setting up camp because apparently Peter Andre is signing autographs there in like another 12 hours. I actually nearly wet myself it really made my entire morning.

Looking forward to a potential trip to Laduree at Harrods soon. I'm fairly familiar with the store in Paris but what I didn't know is that they apparently catered for all the confectionary in Marie Antoinette, learn something new every day. I can't imagine that any other film has ever had a larger "cake budget".






Also read an article about Diane Von Furstenberg and how her success was only reignited during the 90's when girls started to visit vintage stores and dig out her old wrap dresses. She really is an incredible looking woman and her daughter in law is apparently the new face of the brand.



This picture is exactly how I want everything to be right now.

"I'm sure the other men take their Jack Russells to the Golf Course"

So today is the first day I've had free, or "off", in over two weeks. I'm actually shattered. Theatre last night was incredibly good fun if a little bit too much weeping and wailing, considering it was a romance. Juliet's platinum highlights were a little unorthodox and the crypt scene was, well, "panto", but Tom Peters was an absolute treasure as always - possibly one of the most watchable actors I've ever seen. Very intense.



I've decided I should do a proper blog later seeing as I have the day off so I'll literally tie myself to the chair if that's what it takes. I'm probably just feeling a little bit uninspired and exhausted.

No reason for the picture other than that I thought it was a sweet little summer outfit.

We ought to have declared war on Germany the moment Mr Hitler's police stole Einstein's violin.

- Remember, you're a person of Gold Credit Card status.
- But I don't have a Gold Credit Card!
- That's only because you haven't got enough money.

Keeping Up Appearances



My new shorts from Cult. I'll probably stick to something safe and wear them with a plain off-white l/s t-shirt and a battered leather waist belt. I also have a really cute floral bridesmaid's head-dress to wear with them.

Hopefully getting this within the next week too -



Of no practical use whatsoever.

“People constantly make the mistake of comparing London with New York, Milan and Paris and that's not what it's about"

I love Anna. I love Bee even more. And I love Grace the absolute most, what a babe.



I'm trying to avoid washing my car today because it's cold and, well I don't want to, then off to Reading later for shopping and drinks which will be lovely. I had four very cute texts when I woke up this morning - I really know some amazing girls, it makes me feel very lucky.

My will-power is in absolute over-drive at the moment, if it weren't so impressive I'd be terrified.

Theatre tomorrow night. Valentine's Day has crept up.

Hustle's not on tonight..they've moved it...of all the selfish acts for God's sake...

Lovely weekend, did Portobello, The Stables, Kensington and Bond Street yesterday and the rest of the weekend has been all drinks and coffee with various people.

The Hoerengracht


Saw my sister this morning and looking forward to a night in tonight watching The September Issue. I keep having really off the wall dreams as well, would rather someone just knocked me out so I could actually get some sleep.



View from outside the NPG, PG and St Martin in the Fields



This shop in Portobello had the most exquisite jewellery I've ever seen in my life. All very over-indulgent but the earrings in particular were incredible and they had shelve upon shelve of beautiful Egyptian-style Dior and YSL. The shop was absolutely crammed full of people and very few things are priced but I believe the less expensive and unbranded items started at around £40. I think places like this would make a lot of money loaning jewellery for special occassions rather than trying to sell specialist pieces. Either way it really was incredible and the photos don't do the shop justice - inside it's more like Aladdin's cave.

Viewing flats in Kingston tomorrow but I can't sign anything until I've started work so I think I've probably been a little premature and won't be able to take either of them up.

Feel like I should post something fashion or news related because I've let that lapse an epic amount recently, but to be honest I haven't really taken much of an interest in it all lately and am currently taking a much more practical "if you adore it, wear it" approach to things. In fact I probably deserve a medal or bouquet-shaped award because I've actually talked myself out of quite a few pointless purchases recently, on the basis that no, no Sarah no one can possibly make use of a third waxed jacket and no, no you will never wear brown shoes with black tights so step away from the brogues. Bow tie? Are you The Nutty Professor? Then don't buy one. Holland suspender tights? Well ok actually...

Speaking of, I have a point to make on something that has irritated me for over a year now. Flat caps and barbour jackets - If it's cold, you're at a festival, or there is a slight chance you may indulge in an activity which will leave you a bit mucky or "chills", then by all means don away to your hearts content. But if I see you in Harrod's food court or wearing your little cap at a jaunty angle on Kensington high street, do not expect anyone to believe you just jumped out of your Land Rover and must get back in a rush to tenderly bottle-feed those new lambs on the estate. Those deck shoes suggest you did not.

On a similar note (with a hypocritical flavour) vodka-related comments when I wear my russian hat this summer will not be met with appreciation.