I'll be hoping I don't drop to a place where I will rise just like before.

So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sure why, probably for generally inadequate reasons like I have some vague notion that photobucket changed and htmling pictures became a massive faff and a few keys on my, well lets face it "retro" laptop are sticking so every few sentances I'll type something unintentionally ghetto. Or maybe less "ghetto" more "special statemented".

I watched something earlier that I actually found incredibly inspiring, and yes it feels odd to even use that word as I feel its thrown about and overused by the type of people who judge a situation by its "engery", but this genuinely was inspiring. I wont say what it was, suffice to say it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my life or career, infact I couldn't really relate to it, but what it reminded me of is how much there is in life to enjoy and to achieve and how much wasted time and emotional energy I spend on berating myself for the things I get wrong. I used to work so hard, and don't get me wrong I still do, but I do it out of a sense of duty where as I used to really kind of live and breathe it and take enormous pride in it. I feel like this past year since I moved out has really thrown me, and the time that I would have once spent indulging in the things I love like drawing and reading and live music (seriously I have some serious grovelling to do to music, I've entirely abandoned it for the best part of two years)I've spent instead telling myself off for things I feel I've done wrong or thinking about what I should have done instead. To be frank I've spent too much time worrying and upsetting myself whilst simultaneously achieving nothing because between working and sleeping and fretting I've forgotten how to enjoy myself. Probably why I buy clothes, some misguided and cliched notion that it will make me feel better. I think I need someone else to feel responsible to for a change, maybe, I dont know. This is all a bit of a sunday night stream of consciousness so we'll see whether good intentions really come to fruition.

Things I do not appreciate:-

1. People playing games with their facebook status.
2. Being made to feel like everything is continually my fault and I'm generally inadequate.
3. Being made to feel like I need to persude someone that they should be with me.
4. People who are quick to point out other people's personality flaws without acknowledging that they themselves have many.
5. Moody, self indulgent behaviour.

It would probably be easier to just call it a day, I don't do chasing and I certainly don't do grovelling to those who aren't willing to actually just sit down and talk through issues that would easily be solved with one, single, "real" conversation.

I'm not a fan of cowardly behaviour and half-arsed efforts and I think I deserve better than being blocked out and kept on hold.

Cut your losses?

Just like any other room

I'm really fucking scared.

I wish someone would do something.

I can't cope anymore.

You cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed. And there's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold.

The first week of september is going to be incredible.

I sometimes think things havent turned out the way they should be. Nothing really makes sense I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something or someone and suddenly the whole reason for any of this will be blindingly obvious and I'll shake off the past four months. Do you ever think something's wrong with you? Like everyone else gets something that you don't?

In another few weeks time maybe I'll start writing about clothes and exhibitions and literature and life again.

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now. I got the spirit lose the feeling, let it out somehow

Sometimes I think that no one else in the world can feel anything. I really want to feel something. I want to feel something and to watch other people feel it too. I want to stand next to someone and literally feel the emotion burning out through their skin and watch someone else as confused as me. There is so much in life left to do and I'm angry that we're given so few years to achieve a lifetime of ambitions that aren't even our own, other people's ambitions that we adopt because we're greedy. But we're not greedy we're over-exposed and we expect too much of ourselves but if we have the capacity to nurture these expectations why can't we achieve them? I want people to take risks and pull me down after them so that whatever happens cant be my fault. Sometimes I fantasise, if you can call it that, about terrible things. I imagine what life would be like if I'd never had a family, people with expectations of me. Or if someone told me I was sick and only had six months left. And I think of all the things I would do if I didn't owe anyone anything and there was no such thing as consequences. And I feel relieved and excited and terrified and my heart goes and then I finally finally think THAT is what living must feel like.

The only thing to do with a woman is to make love to her if she's pretty and to someone else if she's plain.

Literally running on empty right now.

Sherlock Holmes
Tatler
Warm clean bed
Yummy smelling candles
Gin and tonic
Sorted for the night.

Tomorrow I'm going to start over again (and again).

To do list for the month -

1. Become "seriously" vegan
2. Smoke less
3. Apply for my LPC
4. Book my trip to Copenhagen
5. Read something sensational



Hold me to it.

Just call me "M'am"

In a few hours, I'm going to be an auntie. Please be a boy.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

I need some time off away from everything. I've made such an effort recently to cut out all the people in my life who have a negative influence on me or involve me in unhealthy relationships. I hope it's a start, but there is so much more still to go. I'm literally taking shots in the dark at what it is that's wrong with me. I cant stand going to work tomorrow, I need to get away from here. Or not, in fact I think what I need is to draw the curtains, go to bed and not wake up for two weeks. Kind of like the shock therapy they gave to psychiatric patients in the 50's, I need a massive shock to the system and then just to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wake up with all my neaurological pathways cleared and re-set. Of course it wasn't a resounding success the first time around.

A series of unfortunate events

Today was incredible.

I need something beautiful to happen. I miss that absolute, complete and utter asorbption into someone else's life.

Everything seems shallow and superficial at the moment. I know it sounds sick, but I almost want to break down completely so that someone can take me somewhere, hand over all the responsibility to someone else and just let them fix my life for me.

I wonder if it's possibly to completely re-invent yourself. I could wake up tomorrow and decide to stop smoking, stop drinking, become completely raw vegan and run away. Get away somewhere. I could pitch up in York and live in a little house on a cobbled street and find a job. I could work at a Rescue Home and walk dogs and get devastating amounts of fresh air every day and go to the local pub after work and gossip about people I don't know. It doesn't sound so impossible. I need to start making my own decisions, I think I care too much about what people think of me, about what's expected of me. If I'm going to make mistakes...

Won't go to sleep without a bedtime Tory

Pretty much sums up this weekend. Please all take time to appreciate how heart-breakingl beautiful my new tassled embellished boots and smells-so-good-you-want-to-milk-it bag are. Yes, yes they're pretty. Yes, yes it is quite fun being this shallow.

The Maison Martin Margiela exibition actually surpassed all expectations, the screenings in particular were incredible and they had so many quirky little exibits on display including the fabric-cake-dress worn at the birthday celebrations, old tickets and flyers and of course several pairs of the Tabi boots (which, incidently, i now know would be oh so practical when climbing bamboo, an occasion for which I have never before found a suitable shoe). The clothes were beautiful, in particular one dress which had a perfect imprint of an old vintage evening gown on it. Everything so was so entirely distressed that it was the imperfections which made everything so perfect. I have NEVER before seen clothes that resemble real "art" so much, which is obviously helped enormously by the use of paint on fabric, paint as make-up (did I mention the make-up? The models had glitter applied to their knees and fabric roses attached to their faces to create the impression that the flowers were actually growing out of their skin) and texture. There was the most beautiful structured piece of knitwear which was a sort of green and silver chainmail effect. I can't even describe the rest of it, the entire collection was beautifully french (though a bit more european than usual) and perfectly constructed.


Anyhoo then it was time to sit in the courtyard, drink more gin, smoke slims and enjoy watching people playing in the water.






My new mum-style jeans are my absolute faves, it's taken me months to find a pair of jeans I like so I may never take these off again.



On a worse note, a load of stuff has happened recently that I haven't told a lot of people about, so I'm taking a break from everything.

Ta ra

Back on it like sonic

Posts deleted, much better.

I've made so many massive decisions over the past few days. Like, really huge. I feel better about things, well, I had a really low day today but that was because this place is an absolute sahara and when you're running around all day it completely saps your energy, I think maybe I just didn't have the capacity to feel better about things.

Ok, so:

1. More family - more proper, old school, "family activities". Shopping with mumsey, cinema with the sis-meister, something boaty with daddy? Ill be an auntie in a month, time to put in the hours right?

2. Out with the old, in with the new - I'm deleting all my "unhealthy relationship people" from my phone, facebook, life... It's actually going to be pretty hard, but I feel like I probably take pleasure in pro-longing things to the point of absolute pent-up stress and anger on both sides. The purposes we used to serve eachother aren't neccessary anymore, so there's really no reason to keep getting under one another's skin.

3. Less alcohol, fewer cigarettes - im not making this a massive priority.

4. No ebay. As soon as I've sold my last item im closing the account. Fringed cowboy boots and moschino bags do not a fulfilling lifestyle make.

5. More water. Self-explantory.

6. Take LPC next year, do lots of training and LPM's at work and generally become the most clued up little smartarse in preparation for it.

7. Kind of a tangent of point 2 - make a massive effort with people i havent ever been hugely close to, have only recently met or haven't seen in a while.

Point 2 is what I'm looking forward to the most, and 6.

I really need for this to work. Exeter was incredible but at the same time I ended up in situations that ive been in a million times before. Situations that used to be exciting but now are just tedious.

Oh wait, 8. - read more novels.

Instant Gratification

Deleted most of this blog. Sorry, I went a few weeks writing stuff just for my own eyes hence a lot of censoring.

Really impressed with my jeffry campbell clogs, Matt Smith, my new egyptian ring, Tom Down and my dad.

Incredible weekend.

As of tomorrow

I am trying something new. Something normal. Something that resembles the way I used to be when I was younger.

I dont know what to do about this weekend. I want to do things, but maybe i need a few days off from socialising to just relax and see how the eating thing goes?

Anyway, I'm privitisng my blog for a while, because all of this is extremely personal stuff. When i make it public again, these posts will be deleted. Wish me luck.

FRANKIE! I THINK YOU'RE GOING DEAF MATE, YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP! "I'm thinking about getting some professional help"

So past couple of days at work have been manic - suddenly all of our cases seem to be encountering problems or missing deadlines. I was about to release a statement yesterday when I was told that one of the lawyers had just received a call to say that we have reason to believe that one of the fathers has hired an assassin to take out the social worker if the statement is released.

So pretty much myself and most of my friends are living on tight budgets right now, but the difference is huge. I hear stories of friends who buy basic brand food to save a bit of money, or take the bus instead of the tube because it's cheaper. And then there's me, whose budget consists of "I've bought five dresses, shall I be a good girl and return one of them?". Mad hatters. I wish I was responsible and organised with my money. I never know how much I have until I hit rock bottom and have to start frantically selling my clothes to get in the clear again before pay day. I'd love to not care about clothes and expensive books and stupid over-priced organic vegetables. I wish I drank water from the tap. Some of you know I've been thinking recently about giving everything up. Every single vain little vice I have. I've thought about it really seriously, I'd sell all my ridiculous clothes and use the money to buy jeans and jumpers and coats and converse and wooley hats and completely cute (the way wallflowers are cute) clothes. I'd get a "proper blaady haircut" and dye my hair back to its natural colour and take out my belly button ring and my tragus and even think about getting my tattoos removed (except my foot, i love that one). I'd basically dress like Bella Swan from Twilight.



Another advantage - I think I'd start attracting "nice" boys. Not dull, arrogant, insecure, walking, talking wetdreams. I'd do "nice" things like read lots of unpretentious books, and paint, and go hiking in the lake district with a "nice" boy. I'd drink beer like a boy and eat roast dinners like a boy and go to the cinema and call people on the phone more often. Maybe I'd go to the beach more. I've always wondered how Bella Swan makes the seasonal transition though. What does she wear in summer? Or to gigs? Anyway, that is all still a movement in motion.

This weekend should be lovely, though I can't decide what I'm doing. Might be going camping on the moors in Devon and having a BBQ. I don't know.

Why is life such a big competition?

Call the therapist

I am in one epic, ongoing, incessant, BLACK MOOD. As the kids on Glee would call it, a "funk". I'm past caring who reads this, who thinks I need to snap out of it and get my head together, who thinks it's the kind of dirty laundry I shouldn't be airing in public. I feel like something's wrong, and I cant work out whether its something thats missing or something thats already in my life that shouldnt be. And the worst thing is in the past I've always played it down whenever Im feeling shitty and I've made a joke out of it and gotten over it in a couple of hours. So recently when really close friends have asked me how I am I've actually tried to tell them that somethings not right but even after I've finished talking this frustrated feeling inside keeps on going and I want to turn around and tell them that even after everything I've just said to them I feel like they still don't get it. I want to say to them "you have absolutely no idea how horrible I feel at the moment because I cant express it and there aren't words for it and this isn't something I'm going sleep off and have forgotten about in the morning and I need you to acknowledge how utterly crap I feel but you cant". I know I'm being a whingey little bint. The sad thing about blogs, and diaries for that matter, is that you only tend to write negative things in them because its a way of trying to take the negativity out of yourself and displace it onto paper. We rarely feel the need to write about all the incredible, lovely things that happen to us, we just keep those things to ourselves because sharing them almost devalues the feeling.

I really dont know what I want. The past few days had the potential to be the happiest ones I've had this year, so many gorgeous people invited me to lots of things but half of them I couldnt work up the energy to go to and those I did go to I just completely didn't enjoy the way I normally would have.

I hardly ever feel sad, and in the past when I have Ive always known exactly what it takes to get rid of the feeling and get myself back on track. Am I unhappy because I have so much control over my own life and I keep making bad decisions? Maybe my decisions arent even so bad. I could list the things in my life that I'm unhappy about, but I'd rather not. Its a short list anyway and in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky in life. You know what doesn't lift your mood? Watching Birgitte Bardot films one after the other. Moody, sulky, pathetic little betrayer of our entire gender. I really need someone to say to me that they understand how low I feel right now, that they can actually imagine right now the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the absolute numbness in my head and the unending feeling that something needs to be fixed and I can't work out what it is. Im starting to wonder now I'm writing this whether its maybe something that I can't even fix myself, that I need someone else to do for me.

I'm blue abidee abudiii

Eurgh. Next post will be better. If you want to feel less exasperated with me then watch the Daisy Lowe video below. Puts your head in a much better place.

get lowe

What did I say Eddie? What did I say when you found out you were pregnant? "You said get me the knitting needle, Pats" A KNITTING NEEDLE SAFFIE

I can't wait to start my ilex course, I'm so over not having anything left to achieve.



I'm finding people in general really dull at the moment. Why aren't we all more spontaneous? I also seem to be finding that people read far too much into what others say and generally take everything too seriously - they're just words, and words are so easily misinterpreted. I'm finding it so tedious when people throw a strop (usually about something I've said or done) when if they could just get over themselves for one minute they'd realise that, actually, no one wants anything from you and no one has even asked. This is me, not taking responsibility for anything. (But it's true)

I have five gorgeous days off work now. I'm going to spend a lot of time sleeping, drinking gin and tonic, going for lovely long,loud drives with my windows down and music up, going to the pub with friends and spending money on frivilous meaningless trinkets and then desperately hiding them from my parents.

I love my new hat by the way, I'll post pictures soon.

So this weekend I'm going to exeter for the day on saturday to see old friends and for a change of scene (I never thought it possible to get tired of london what with so much to do, but it really is) and then sunday and monday I'm going to go back to lightwater and have drinks in my lovely big garden and HAVE THE HOTTEST BUBBLE BATH ANYONE EVER EVER EVER HAS HAD. You know that saying about how you know a bath is hot when you put your hand in and you cant tell if its too hot or too cold? I love going home, I have this little ritual that i've had for years I'm going to go home and have my lovely hot bath, then i'm going to wrap up in a towel, get a cold glass of wine and a cigarette and sit in the garden. Then i'm going to make the biggest, yummiest salad and watch my new Brigitte Bardot collection on the big screen and see old friends. It is really quite pathetic how much im looking forward to that but i'm seriously more exicted about that than any other part of my weekend including exeter, including the hoxton pony, including watching the world cup, all of it.

I found an old playlist today, songs i havent heard in months. I adore it and have had it on repeat for hours. I think the guy downstairs probably despises me. That and also i think he's in a mood because when i get home i pick up the post and put it on the table, where as he actually sorts my post and stacks it into a neat little pile and leaves it outside my door. What's the opposite of boys will be boys?

I miss lots of people. Particularly those travelling and working abroad. I adore you, the oldies are the besties.

Thats what dancers do

Day two of detox.
Cigarettes: 6
Glasses of wine: 3

My new favourite person is Josephine De La Baume.

Everything at work is driving me insane.


"This dance is the one
It's the long spin and its just begun
I'll hold onto you
That's what dancers do."

Detox, retox, reinvention.

Blonde hair, brown eyes. Hello hair dye and hello coloured contacts.



May need to work on something resembling a tan.

As of tomorrow, incredible detox. This has been a terrible weekend for drinking and smoking and all things unhealthy. So tomorrow its oats and fruit and 2 litres of water a day until friday.

I want to be completely unrecognizable. Right now I am a female Fonze. Dislike.

I'd quite like a russian accent too. But apparently we cant have everything.

Ilex are being shockingly awful at getting back to me on my qualification. As Denise would say, "I feel a letter coming on".

I need to start reading properly again, I miss that. I only have four days of work this week and three days the following week, I actually cant wait to have 5 full days off work in June. Still undecided about Isle of Wight. I might just make a massive effort to do a mini road trip maybe go to york or see old friends from home.

I need to start wearing my thigh high boots, they are looking decidedly neglected with their teasing little tassles and studs and pixie toes.

Loving Solveig Selj, Vincent Peters and Terry Richardson at the moment. I would adore to be in a proper short fashion film. I've decided i might start doing video blogs. That way at least when I'm talking about trivial things that only I find at all interesting you can watch my eyebrows. I did a short test the other day, I have some seriously odd facial expressions. Little did I know ive spent the past 22 years of my life alternating between looking disgustingly patronising or generallly bemused by life.