Call the therapist

I am in one epic, ongoing, incessant, BLACK MOOD. As the kids on Glee would call it, a "funk". I'm past caring who reads this, who thinks I need to snap out of it and get my head together, who thinks it's the kind of dirty laundry I shouldn't be airing in public. I feel like something's wrong, and I cant work out whether its something thats missing or something thats already in my life that shouldnt be. And the worst thing is in the past I've always played it down whenever Im feeling shitty and I've made a joke out of it and gotten over it in a couple of hours. So recently when really close friends have asked me how I am I've actually tried to tell them that somethings not right but even after I've finished talking this frustrated feeling inside keeps on going and I want to turn around and tell them that even after everything I've just said to them I feel like they still don't get it. I want to say to them "you have absolutely no idea how horrible I feel at the moment because I cant express it and there aren't words for it and this isn't something I'm going sleep off and have forgotten about in the morning and I need you to acknowledge how utterly crap I feel but you cant". I know I'm being a whingey little bint. The sad thing about blogs, and diaries for that matter, is that you only tend to write negative things in them because its a way of trying to take the negativity out of yourself and displace it onto paper. We rarely feel the need to write about all the incredible, lovely things that happen to us, we just keep those things to ourselves because sharing them almost devalues the feeling.

I really dont know what I want. The past few days had the potential to be the happiest ones I've had this year, so many gorgeous people invited me to lots of things but half of them I couldnt work up the energy to go to and those I did go to I just completely didn't enjoy the way I normally would have.

I hardly ever feel sad, and in the past when I have Ive always known exactly what it takes to get rid of the feeling and get myself back on track. Am I unhappy because I have so much control over my own life and I keep making bad decisions? Maybe my decisions arent even so bad. I could list the things in my life that I'm unhappy about, but I'd rather not. Its a short list anyway and in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky in life. You know what doesn't lift your mood? Watching Birgitte Bardot films one after the other. Moody, sulky, pathetic little betrayer of our entire gender. I really need someone to say to me that they understand how low I feel right now, that they can actually imagine right now the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the absolute numbness in my head and the unending feeling that something needs to be fixed and I can't work out what it is. Im starting to wonder now I'm writing this whether its maybe something that I can't even fix myself, that I need someone else to do for me.

I'm blue abidee abudiii

Eurgh. Next post will be better. If you want to feel less exasperated with me then watch the Daisy Lowe video below. Puts your head in a much better place.