I'll be hoping I don't drop to a place where I will rise just like before.

So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sure why, probably for generally inadequate reasons like I have some vague notion that photobucket changed and htmling pictures became a massive faff and a few keys on my, well lets face it "retro" laptop are sticking so every few sentances I'll type something unintentionally ghetto. Or maybe less "ghetto" more "special statemented".

I watched something earlier that I actually found incredibly inspiring, and yes it feels odd to even use that word as I feel its thrown about and overused by the type of people who judge a situation by its "engery", but this genuinely was inspiring. I wont say what it was, suffice to say it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my life or career, infact I couldn't really relate to it, but what it reminded me of is how much there is in life to enjoy and to achieve and how much wasted time and emotional energy I spend on berating myself for the things I get wrong. I used to work so hard, and don't get me wrong I still do, but I do it out of a sense of duty where as I used to really kind of live and breathe it and take enormous pride in it. I feel like this past year since I moved out has really thrown me, and the time that I would have once spent indulging in the things I love like drawing and reading and live music (seriously I have some serious grovelling to do to music, I've entirely abandoned it for the best part of two years)I've spent instead telling myself off for things I feel I've done wrong or thinking about what I should have done instead. To be frank I've spent too much time worrying and upsetting myself whilst simultaneously achieving nothing because between working and sleeping and fretting I've forgotten how to enjoy myself. Probably why I buy clothes, some misguided and cliched notion that it will make me feel better. I think I need someone else to feel responsible to for a change, maybe, I dont know. This is all a bit of a sunday night stream of consciousness so we'll see whether good intentions really come to fruition.

Things I do not appreciate:-

1. People playing games with their facebook status.
2. Being made to feel like everything is continually my fault and I'm generally inadequate.
3. Being made to feel like I need to persude someone that they should be with me.
4. People who are quick to point out other people's personality flaws without acknowledging that they themselves have many.
5. Moody, self indulgent behaviour.

It would probably be easier to just call it a day, I don't do chasing and I certainly don't do grovelling to those who aren't willing to actually just sit down and talk through issues that would easily be solved with one, single, "real" conversation.

I'm not a fan of cowardly behaviour and half-arsed efforts and I think I deserve better than being blocked out and kept on hold.

Cut your losses?

Just like any other room

I'm really fucking scared.

I wish someone would do something.

I can't cope anymore.

You cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed. And there's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold.

The first week of september is going to be incredible.

I sometimes think things havent turned out the way they should be. Nothing really makes sense I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something or someone and suddenly the whole reason for any of this will be blindingly obvious and I'll shake off the past four months. Do you ever think something's wrong with you? Like everyone else gets something that you don't?

In another few weeks time maybe I'll start writing about clothes and exhibitions and literature and life again.

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now. I got the spirit lose the feeling, let it out somehow

Sometimes I think that no one else in the world can feel anything. I really want to feel something. I want to feel something and to watch other people feel it too. I want to stand next to someone and literally feel the emotion burning out through their skin and watch someone else as confused as me. There is so much in life left to do and I'm angry that we're given so few years to achieve a lifetime of ambitions that aren't even our own, other people's ambitions that we adopt because we're greedy. But we're not greedy we're over-exposed and we expect too much of ourselves but if we have the capacity to nurture these expectations why can't we achieve them? I want people to take risks and pull me down after them so that whatever happens cant be my fault. Sometimes I fantasise, if you can call it that, about terrible things. I imagine what life would be like if I'd never had a family, people with expectations of me. Or if someone told me I was sick and only had six months left. And I think of all the things I would do if I didn't owe anyone anything and there was no such thing as consequences. And I feel relieved and excited and terrified and my heart goes and then I finally finally think THAT is what living must feel like.