Just like any other room

I'm really fucking scared.

I wish someone would do something.

I can't cope anymore.

You cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed. And there's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold.

The first week of september is going to be incredible.

I sometimes think things havent turned out the way they should be. Nothing really makes sense I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something or someone and suddenly the whole reason for any of this will be blindingly obvious and I'll shake off the past four months. Do you ever think something's wrong with you? Like everyone else gets something that you don't?

In another few weeks time maybe I'll start writing about clothes and exhibitions and literature and life again.

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now. I got the spirit lose the feeling, let it out somehow

Sometimes I think that no one else in the world can feel anything. I really want to feel something. I want to feel something and to watch other people feel it too. I want to stand next to someone and literally feel the emotion burning out through their skin and watch someone else as confused as me. There is so much in life left to do and I'm angry that we're given so few years to achieve a lifetime of ambitions that aren't even our own, other people's ambitions that we adopt because we're greedy. But we're not greedy we're over-exposed and we expect too much of ourselves but if we have the capacity to nurture these expectations why can't we achieve them? I want people to take risks and pull me down after them so that whatever happens cant be my fault. Sometimes I fantasise, if you can call it that, about terrible things. I imagine what life would be like if I'd never had a family, people with expectations of me. Or if someone told me I was sick and only had six months left. And I think of all the things I would do if I didn't owe anyone anything and there was no such thing as consequences. And I feel relieved and excited and terrified and my heart goes and then I finally finally think THAT is what living must feel like.

The only thing to do with a woman is to make love to her if she's pretty and to someone else if she's plain.

Literally running on empty right now.

Sherlock Holmes
Tatler
Warm clean bed
Yummy smelling candles
Gin and tonic
Sorted for the night.

Tomorrow I'm going to start over again (and again).

To do list for the month -

1. Become "seriously" vegan
2. Smoke less
3. Apply for my LPC
4. Book my trip to Copenhagen
5. Read something sensational



Hold me to it.

Just call me "M'am"

In a few hours, I'm going to be an auntie. Please be a boy.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

I need some time off away from everything. I've made such an effort recently to cut out all the people in my life who have a negative influence on me or involve me in unhealthy relationships. I hope it's a start, but there is so much more still to go. I'm literally taking shots in the dark at what it is that's wrong with me. I cant stand going to work tomorrow, I need to get away from here. Or not, in fact I think what I need is to draw the curtains, go to bed and not wake up for two weeks. Kind of like the shock therapy they gave to psychiatric patients in the 50's, I need a massive shock to the system and then just to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wake up with all my neaurological pathways cleared and re-set. Of course it wasn't a resounding success the first time around.