You cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed. And there's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold.

The first week of september is going to be incredible.

I sometimes think things havent turned out the way they should be. Nothing really makes sense I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something or someone and suddenly the whole reason for any of this will be blindingly obvious and I'll shake off the past four months. Do you ever think something's wrong with you? Like everyone else gets something that you don't?

In another few weeks time maybe I'll start writing about clothes and exhibitions and literature and life again.

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now. I got the spirit lose the feeling, let it out somehow

Sometimes I think that no one else in the world can feel anything. I really want to feel something. I want to feel something and to watch other people feel it too. I want to stand next to someone and literally feel the emotion burning out through their skin and watch someone else as confused as me. There is so much in life left to do and I'm angry that we're given so few years to achieve a lifetime of ambitions that aren't even our own, other people's ambitions that we adopt because we're greedy. But we're not greedy we're over-exposed and we expect too much of ourselves but if we have the capacity to nurture these expectations why can't we achieve them? I want people to take risks and pull me down after them so that whatever happens cant be my fault. Sometimes I fantasise, if you can call it that, about terrible things. I imagine what life would be like if I'd never had a family, people with expectations of me. Or if someone told me I was sick and only had six months left. And I think of all the things I would do if I didn't owe anyone anything and there was no such thing as consequences. And I feel relieved and excited and terrified and my heart goes and then I finally finally think THAT is what living must feel like.

The only thing to do with a woman is to make love to her if she's pretty and to someone else if she's plain.

Literally running on empty right now.

Sherlock Holmes
Tatler
Warm clean bed
Yummy smelling candles
Gin and tonic
Sorted for the night.

Tomorrow I'm going to start over again (and again).

To do list for the month -

1. Become "seriously" vegan
2. Smoke less
3. Apply for my LPC
4. Book my trip to Copenhagen
5. Read something sensational



Hold me to it.

Just call me "M'am"

In a few hours, I'm going to be an auntie. Please be a boy.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

I need some time off away from everything. I've made such an effort recently to cut out all the people in my life who have a negative influence on me or involve me in unhealthy relationships. I hope it's a start, but there is so much more still to go. I'm literally taking shots in the dark at what it is that's wrong with me. I cant stand going to work tomorrow, I need to get away from here. Or not, in fact I think what I need is to draw the curtains, go to bed and not wake up for two weeks. Kind of like the shock therapy they gave to psychiatric patients in the 50's, I need a massive shock to the system and then just to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wake up with all my neaurological pathways cleared and re-set. Of course it wasn't a resounding success the first time around.

A series of unfortunate events

Today was incredible.

I need something beautiful to happen. I miss that absolute, complete and utter asorbption into someone else's life.

Everything seems shallow and superficial at the moment. I know it sounds sick, but I almost want to break down completely so that someone can take me somewhere, hand over all the responsibility to someone else and just let them fix my life for me.

I wonder if it's possibly to completely re-invent yourself. I could wake up tomorrow and decide to stop smoking, stop drinking, become completely raw vegan and run away. Get away somewhere. I could pitch up in York and live in a little house on a cobbled street and find a job. I could work at a Rescue Home and walk dogs and get devastating amounts of fresh air every day and go to the local pub after work and gossip about people I don't know. It doesn't sound so impossible. I need to start making my own decisions, I think I care too much about what people think of me, about what's expected of me. If I'm going to make mistakes...

Won't go to sleep without a bedtime Tory

Pretty much sums up this weekend. Please all take time to appreciate how heart-breakingl beautiful my new tassled embellished boots and smells-so-good-you-want-to-milk-it bag are. Yes, yes they're pretty. Yes, yes it is quite fun being this shallow.

The Maison Martin Margiela exibition actually surpassed all expectations, the screenings in particular were incredible and they had so many quirky little exibits on display including the fabric-cake-dress worn at the birthday celebrations, old tickets and flyers and of course several pairs of the Tabi boots (which, incidently, i now know would be oh so practical when climbing bamboo, an occasion for which I have never before found a suitable shoe). The clothes were beautiful, in particular one dress which had a perfect imprint of an old vintage evening gown on it. Everything so was so entirely distressed that it was the imperfections which made everything so perfect. I have NEVER before seen clothes that resemble real "art" so much, which is obviously helped enormously by the use of paint on fabric, paint as make-up (did I mention the make-up? The models had glitter applied to their knees and fabric roses attached to their faces to create the impression that the flowers were actually growing out of their skin) and texture. There was the most beautiful structured piece of knitwear which was a sort of green and silver chainmail effect. I can't even describe the rest of it, the entire collection was beautifully french (though a bit more european than usual) and perfectly constructed.


Anyhoo then it was time to sit in the courtyard, drink more gin, smoke slims and enjoy watching people playing in the water.






My new mum-style jeans are my absolute faves, it's taken me months to find a pair of jeans I like so I may never take these off again.



On a worse note, a load of stuff has happened recently that I haven't told a lot of people about, so I'm taking a break from everything.

Ta ra

Back on it like sonic

Posts deleted, much better.

I've made so many massive decisions over the past few days. Like, really huge. I feel better about things, well, I had a really low day today but that was because this place is an absolute sahara and when you're running around all day it completely saps your energy, I think maybe I just didn't have the capacity to feel better about things.

Ok, so:

1. More family - more proper, old school, "family activities". Shopping with mumsey, cinema with the sis-meister, something boaty with daddy? Ill be an auntie in a month, time to put in the hours right?

2. Out with the old, in with the new - I'm deleting all my "unhealthy relationship people" from my phone, facebook, life... It's actually going to be pretty hard, but I feel like I probably take pleasure in pro-longing things to the point of absolute pent-up stress and anger on both sides. The purposes we used to serve eachother aren't neccessary anymore, so there's really no reason to keep getting under one another's skin.

3. Less alcohol, fewer cigarettes - im not making this a massive priority.

4. No ebay. As soon as I've sold my last item im closing the account. Fringed cowboy boots and moschino bags do not a fulfilling lifestyle make.

5. More water. Self-explantory.

6. Take LPC next year, do lots of training and LPM's at work and generally become the most clued up little smartarse in preparation for it.

7. Kind of a tangent of point 2 - make a massive effort with people i havent ever been hugely close to, have only recently met or haven't seen in a while.

Point 2 is what I'm looking forward to the most, and 6.

I really need for this to work. Exeter was incredible but at the same time I ended up in situations that ive been in a million times before. Situations that used to be exciting but now are just tedious.

Oh wait, 8. - read more novels.