Now you've got a brighter smile and I think I'm going to like it

Things I need to make my life complete, until tomorrow, when I will want more :







The shoes I'm definitely going to go for, although probably in black because I rarely wear my grey tights and you can only wear grey tights with brown shoes. I'm justifying this on the basis that I can then use ALL my other pretty ballet flats for work and wear these at the weekend. They're made out of really beautiful sturdy italian leather and will go with jeans too. RIP lovely ballet flats, it makes the most sense.

I also want/geuinely need -

A scarf for work, something pretty but unfortunately bland.
Camden Crawl and Isle of Wight tickets (and the ability to convince dad to let us stay on the boat)
A new pair of pat butcher earrings
A harness for Benni so he can no longer attempt suicide-via-lesh

Drinks in Ascot tonight and Kingston all day tomorrow. More drinks with lovely girls on Tuesday. Finally caught up with my sister last night as well so we'll probably do something long overdue this week. I really despise not having a set starting date for work yet, the more I have to wait the more unappealing employment becomes. Looks like I'll be free for a few more days though so fully intend to make the most of them.

Favourtie song at the moment is Broken Heart by French Horn Rebellion.

Also

Why are people only just getting the Maccabees?

I hate that "All the right moves" is by the same band who did "Apologize"

Went up to Portobello today via Kew. It is now my mission to convincve my parents to move there (Kew, not Portobello) and/or find me a nice little period conversion up there. Portobello was cold, not much else made an impression. I always find it's stupidly over-priced in comparison with other areas of London selling the same thing. Bought a sweet earthy-coloured knitted jumper, very "The Good Life", and a bit of a geeky book. One thing I DID find which was spectacular was the most breath-taking baroque chateau-style sofa in pale blue, pink and gold. I would seriously happily buy this sofa and have absolutely nothing else in my living room, or indeed any other room of the house, and just sit there. No TV, no coffee table, no lamps...just sit there in something damsel-esque and writhe enthusiastically around on my new sofa. No one else would be allowed to sit on it. Just me and my chateu-style sofa. It was £4,700.

I'm thinking of trying something different. BEATNIK. I've never really dabbled in beatnik before unless by accident (when having a slobby-i-cant-be-bothered-to-put-together-an-outfit-day). The thing that scares me is it's not the most versatile of looks - one thin black jumper looks the same as another and even wearing a pair of diesel jeans is considered selling out (pondering it, you could probably get away with Levis). Extend your wardrobe to include a pair of Hepburn style chinos and penny loafers and that's about as creative as it gets. Find a patch of grass under a tree and commence smoking moodily whilst not talking to your friends.





She makes me want to cut my hair again.

All my boyfriends love me.

Is this not the most blasphemous, confused, hideous monstrosity that ever came out of the closet.



They're like £122. Really?

Lovely day so far. Got my sequin jumper and two dresses through this morning. Went out for coffee with friends and going to the pub with Kim tonight for chats and larky. Will probably be driving again but never mind. Going to an exhibition in Londom tomorrow which should be very enlightening but I'm hoping to squeeze in a trip to Somerset House and yumcha afterwards, possibly even get up to Nottinghill if I'm not sleepy.

Feeling terrifyingly positive about everything at the moment.

My brother and Dawn came over earlier to show us the baby's first scan. Gorgeous little thing (and I HATE babies), you can already see a little head and hands and feet. Kicking myself because my brother has officially stolen the two baby names I had "reserved" for whichever unlucky little brat has a one in a million chance of having me as a mother. I know perfectly well I probably never will have any children, but if I DID ever have a change of heart I always wanted to call the girl "Bella" and the boy "Arthur" or "Arty" for short. The second I blurted that out my brother immediately decided he loves those names, so apparently if it's a boy he's going to be called "Arthur Edward Charles Adams" (The solidarity and upper middle class testosterone of this name was accentuated by a well-timed knee-punch). I liked Arthur. And Edward. I have no other choice. My future son is doomed to be called "Adam Adams".

Mum says I'm going to have to learn how to knit booties. I'm more keen on knitting the little darling a chic little snood or a Missoni style knitted chain necklace. Please be a girl.

In the mood

to shave all my hair off.

I can say "I hope it will be worth what I give up"

So, "Perfume" is a particularly insane film.

Weekend was immense. Friday was exceptionally delicious, saw three of my favourite girls, another sweetheart on Saturday and other much-missed faces over the weekend. This week is already looking set to be pretty manic so I'm trying to organise my diary. Lots of things to look forward to.

Feeling very calm and happy, despite some weird kind of "jaw-ache". Mother is currently trying to force-feed me petit-filou. Why is it that when you once vaguely mention to your mum that you "quite like" something they then buy multipacks of it and then when it goes uneaten and expires buy even MORE multipacks? I think it's cause she worries about my calcium intake, probably best examplified by her insistance that I "used to drink pints of milk every day". This is true. I was six. It was served in a sippy cup.




I expected that one or two people would be told a story - not very fair, was it?

I was about to unbutton his pants and then realised that he was wearing an elasticated waistband. So, no, that didn't happen.

Exhibition today, drinks at Jagz this evening and managed to get my hair done (finally). Have three cats on my bed and Breaking Dawn to read.

I'm in the mood for resolving issues and clearing the air. All over cliches. I could really do with the drive west on saturday, three hours of scenary and music to clear my mind, not like driving to cardiff, that was traumatic. I still wish you were the person I initially thought you were. I didn't want this to happen.

This weekend is going to be such a huge test of my willpower.

Dear Buddah

Shopping in Reading today with Kim, so basically going to go and pick up my pretty little dolly coat from topshop, blag some costume jewellery and spend the rest of the day begrudgingly buying "work" clothes (I took the job, start in about 2-3 weeks as soon as HR clear my medical records), have already worked out how to incorporate sequins into work-wear and I'm going to buy lots of hair ribbons and balmain-style blazers (I really can't afford all this considering I'm staying in a hotel in Exeter this weekend, it's amazing what the prospect of earning does to your realistic expections of what your Barclay Card can and cannot do). Money is a number. Anyway today should be fun and then tomorrow I'm going for a skin test at Toni and Guy and then going to Jagz in the evening - lovely - and Friday will be spent in London with Becci, Harry and Gwen.

I've been told that when I'm upset or angry or frustrated I laugh about it and turn it into a joke - stiff upper lip attitude and all that. I really wish I didn't do this, I would hate for anyone to ever feel sorry for me when I'm upset but at the same I don't think people even think that I am because I always seem to move on quickly and get over things without having to think twice about them. Most of the time this is great and an entirely accurate reflection of the situation, but when it IS a front, it really isn't much fun.

I really would love to go away for a weekend. As much as I want to move out and the journey to Kingston from home is a trainwreck the thought of being able to keep my money every month and spend it on weekends away, or save up to buy an inter-railing pass is so tempting. Also I asked my dad how much he sold his old jag for and he said £1500! Admittedly he said it was pre-historic, the leather was often ripped and structually it was a bit moody, but if that's the case then you can obviously buy vintage jags in pretty sound condition for just a few grand more. I've always known this but it's starting to seem a bit more likely now. It's the parts which cost so much to locate. I also spoke to my mum about travelling, I really don't think I'd want to go with any of my friends (not in a weird or offensive way) but just because my idea of travelling is that it really should take you out of your comfort zone and force you to meet new people. I'd adore to travel to italy and greece again by myself and my mum said she could probably handle that, it was when i mentioned eastern europe that she literally looked aghast and clung hysterically to the table. I can cope with that, although St Petersburg would be beautiful. When I mentioned how much I wanted to do a bavarian castle tour she actually said that's the kind of thing she would really enjoy and would even think about coming with me. Hols with the mum. Lovely. Ha.

Roll on the weekend.

I'm not a big fan of the down-trodden, but I do make an effort not to step on them

Is it an indisputable fact that men and women can never truly be friends? I've had so many experiences where I'll genuinely believe I'm friends with someone only to realise that as soon as I'm "off the market" the situation changes. Is it men being predictable and one-dimensional or is it women being naive and greedy, re-positioning the boundaries into unnatural lines and feigning ignorance? At existentionalists would argue - it isn't the world that is absurd, it's mankind's insistence on enforcing rationality upon an entirely erratic existance.

Lower your expectations?

I've been thinking about everything I got up to last year and trying to convince myself that I wouldn't do it again.

I would.

It was fun.

Maybe irresponsible.

Shopping with mein mutti tomorrow, An exhibition and vintage fair in London on tuesday, drinks with an old friend on Thursday and another day in London seeing Uni friends on Friday, with possibly more drinks at Jagz in the evening before a weekend in Exeter seeing my favourite boy, (who I can honestly say truly is a friend - I hope he never proves me wrong).

My interview on friday was a success, I was offered the Legal Assistant's job in Kingston out of 65 other interviewees. But I'm probably going to turn down the job. I wish my dad's opinion didn't have such an effect on me, it's not like I ever listen to anyone else.



I adore this dress. If you has asked me yesterday what my ideal dress would include I would quite honestly have said "a peter pan collar, sequins, a mod style body and three-quater length sleeves" - pornographic. I would love to wear this with over-the-knee socks and my french beret, maybe a little clutch bag, but I nearly cried when I looked on net-a-porter and found that all the smalls had gone! I quite seriously would have paid the £200andsomething for it, if this isn't a good enough reason for an overdraft I have no idea what is and for a dress that you know you will wear until it literally falls apart in shreds, £200andsomething is nothing.

On a similar note, I FINALLY received these two dresses from trashyvintage and I'm thrilled with both, although the floral babydoll could do with rehemming. Worth the two month wait. My mum and I are going to go and buy some dress patterns tomorrow, apparently because whenever I'm at home (see snow days - urgh) I can't sit still and I think it's annoying her a bit and making her anxious. I know that now the snow has gone I'll have barely any time for it but even if making one dress takes me like a month it will be worth it. I can put peter pan collars on as many things as I like! Added to that, as soon as I get my hair done next week I'll be able to start swimming again and so that's even less free time...




I can't stop biting my bottom lip at the moment, I'm literally making it bleed about three times a day (sorry)

It feels abnormal to turn down a job in the current economic climate, particularly one which would enable me to move into my own apartment.

Apartment is a much nicer word than flat.

Must buy more sobranies in Exeter and use my credit note in Cult.

Stag Weekends: Dirty Secrets

Exeter next weekend? Probably should.

Lots to say but no incentive or inclination to say it. Had an interview this morning during which they sprung several tests on me so I'm not entirely sure how went despite the fact that the conversation part of the interview certainly went well enough.

Busy couple of weekends ahead. I can't wait to have my hair done in the next couple of weeks and get rid of all the fake stuff - will mean I'm able to get back to swimming regularly which I'm absolutely desperate for because I'm pretty certain my lung capacity has reduced since I stopped swimming which can actually be quite scary sometimes like when you concentrate on your breathing and it suddenly seems like the most abnormal bodily function ever. mmmm.

I need to go on holiday with someone lovely, somewhere autumnal and cultural. I need to stop being such a headfuck. I need to move out. Not in that order.

Charity gig tomorrow night to raise money for the RSPCA at South Hill Park in Bracknell, 8.00pm - you should all come. Vintage fair tuesday night 6pm, seeing lots of pretty faces next week and will be back and forth from London every few days doing the rounds.

Still contemplating a nose job.

When you order from Ann Summers do they post in a discreet bag or emblazon your goodies all over the packaging? Answers on a postcard.

The girl remains aloof

Some of us were born to be single.

Message from a friend today after the "basket case" discussion

"P.s. Apparently a basket case is "One that is in a completely hopeless or useless condition." Just my type."

One minute I'm a little sweetheart, the next minute you are an absolute creep.

Every conversation, every phonecall, is a battle, and you insist on playing dirty.

Sometimes I don't think we live in the same world.

I don't know what to do about it. It would be very easy to walk away.

We'd both get over it.