I'll be hoping I don't drop to a place where I will rise just like before.

So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sure why, probably for generally inadequate reasons like I have some vague notion that photobucket changed and htmling pictures became a massive faff and a few keys on my, well lets face it "retro" laptop are sticking so every few sentances I'll type something unintentionally ghetto. Or maybe less "ghetto" more "special statemented".

I watched something earlier that I actually found incredibly inspiring, and yes it feels odd to even use that word as I feel its thrown about and overused by the type of people who judge a situation by its "engery", but this genuinely was inspiring. I wont say what it was, suffice to say it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my life or career, infact I couldn't really relate to it, but what it reminded me of is how much there is in life to enjoy and to achieve and how much wasted time and emotional energy I spend on berating myself for the things I get wrong. I used to work so hard, and don't get me wrong I still do, but I do it out of a sense of duty where as I used to really kind of live and breathe it and take enormous pride in it. I feel like this past year since I moved out has really thrown me, and the time that I would have once spent indulging in the things I love like drawing and reading and live music (seriously I have some serious grovelling to do to music, I've entirely abandoned it for the best part of two years)I've spent instead telling myself off for things I feel I've done wrong or thinking about what I should have done instead. To be frank I've spent too much time worrying and upsetting myself whilst simultaneously achieving nothing because between working and sleeping and fretting I've forgotten how to enjoy myself. Probably why I buy clothes, some misguided and cliched notion that it will make me feel better. I think I need someone else to feel responsible to for a change, maybe, I dont know. This is all a bit of a sunday night stream of consciousness so we'll see whether good intentions really come to fruition.