Back on it like sonic

Posts deleted, much better.

I've made so many massive decisions over the past few days. Like, really huge. I feel better about things, well, I had a really low day today but that was because this place is an absolute sahara and when you're running around all day it completely saps your energy, I think maybe I just didn't have the capacity to feel better about things.

Ok, so:

1. More family - more proper, old school, "family activities". Shopping with mumsey, cinema with the sis-meister, something boaty with daddy? Ill be an auntie in a month, time to put in the hours right?

2. Out with the old, in with the new - I'm deleting all my "unhealthy relationship people" from my phone, facebook, life... It's actually going to be pretty hard, but I feel like I probably take pleasure in pro-longing things to the point of absolute pent-up stress and anger on both sides. The purposes we used to serve eachother aren't neccessary anymore, so there's really no reason to keep getting under one another's skin.

3. Less alcohol, fewer cigarettes - im not making this a massive priority.

4. No ebay. As soon as I've sold my last item im closing the account. Fringed cowboy boots and moschino bags do not a fulfilling lifestyle make.

5. More water. Self-explantory.

6. Take LPC next year, do lots of training and LPM's at work and generally become the most clued up little smartarse in preparation for it.

7. Kind of a tangent of point 2 - make a massive effort with people i havent ever been hugely close to, have only recently met or haven't seen in a while.

Point 2 is what I'm looking forward to the most, and 6.

I really need for this to work. Exeter was incredible but at the same time I ended up in situations that ive been in a million times before. Situations that used to be exciting but now are just tedious.

Oh wait, 8. - read more novels.

Instant Gratification

Deleted most of this blog. Sorry, I went a few weeks writing stuff just for my own eyes hence a lot of censoring.

Really impressed with my jeffry campbell clogs, Matt Smith, my new egyptian ring, Tom Down and my dad.

Incredible weekend.

As of tomorrow

I am trying something new. Something normal. Something that resembles the way I used to be when I was younger.

I dont know what to do about this weekend. I want to do things, but maybe i need a few days off from socialising to just relax and see how the eating thing goes?

Anyway, I'm privitisng my blog for a while, because all of this is extremely personal stuff. When i make it public again, these posts will be deleted. Wish me luck.

FRANKIE! I THINK YOU'RE GOING DEAF MATE, YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP! "I'm thinking about getting some professional help"

So past couple of days at work have been manic - suddenly all of our cases seem to be encountering problems or missing deadlines. I was about to release a statement yesterday when I was told that one of the lawyers had just received a call to say that we have reason to believe that one of the fathers has hired an assassin to take out the social worker if the statement is released.

So pretty much myself and most of my friends are living on tight budgets right now, but the difference is huge. I hear stories of friends who buy basic brand food to save a bit of money, or take the bus instead of the tube because it's cheaper. And then there's me, whose budget consists of "I've bought five dresses, shall I be a good girl and return one of them?". Mad hatters. I wish I was responsible and organised with my money. I never know how much I have until I hit rock bottom and have to start frantically selling my clothes to get in the clear again before pay day. I'd love to not care about clothes and expensive books and stupid over-priced organic vegetables. I wish I drank water from the tap. Some of you know I've been thinking recently about giving everything up. Every single vain little vice I have. I've thought about it really seriously, I'd sell all my ridiculous clothes and use the money to buy jeans and jumpers and coats and converse and wooley hats and completely cute (the way wallflowers are cute) clothes. I'd get a "proper blaady haircut" and dye my hair back to its natural colour and take out my belly button ring and my tragus and even think about getting my tattoos removed (except my foot, i love that one). I'd basically dress like Bella Swan from Twilight.



Another advantage - I think I'd start attracting "nice" boys. Not dull, arrogant, insecure, walking, talking wetdreams. I'd do "nice" things like read lots of unpretentious books, and paint, and go hiking in the lake district with a "nice" boy. I'd drink beer like a boy and eat roast dinners like a boy and go to the cinema and call people on the phone more often. Maybe I'd go to the beach more. I've always wondered how Bella Swan makes the seasonal transition though. What does she wear in summer? Or to gigs? Anyway, that is all still a movement in motion.

This weekend should be lovely, though I can't decide what I'm doing. Might be going camping on the moors in Devon and having a BBQ. I don't know.

Why is life such a big competition?

Call the therapist

I am in one epic, ongoing, incessant, BLACK MOOD. As the kids on Glee would call it, a "funk". I'm past caring who reads this, who thinks I need to snap out of it and get my head together, who thinks it's the kind of dirty laundry I shouldn't be airing in public. I feel like something's wrong, and I cant work out whether its something thats missing or something thats already in my life that shouldnt be. And the worst thing is in the past I've always played it down whenever Im feeling shitty and I've made a joke out of it and gotten over it in a couple of hours. So recently when really close friends have asked me how I am I've actually tried to tell them that somethings not right but even after I've finished talking this frustrated feeling inside keeps on going and I want to turn around and tell them that even after everything I've just said to them I feel like they still don't get it. I want to say to them "you have absolutely no idea how horrible I feel at the moment because I cant express it and there aren't words for it and this isn't something I'm going sleep off and have forgotten about in the morning and I need you to acknowledge how utterly crap I feel but you cant". I know I'm being a whingey little bint. The sad thing about blogs, and diaries for that matter, is that you only tend to write negative things in them because its a way of trying to take the negativity out of yourself and displace it onto paper. We rarely feel the need to write about all the incredible, lovely things that happen to us, we just keep those things to ourselves because sharing them almost devalues the feeling.

I really dont know what I want. The past few days had the potential to be the happiest ones I've had this year, so many gorgeous people invited me to lots of things but half of them I couldnt work up the energy to go to and those I did go to I just completely didn't enjoy the way I normally would have.

I hardly ever feel sad, and in the past when I have Ive always known exactly what it takes to get rid of the feeling and get myself back on track. Am I unhappy because I have so much control over my own life and I keep making bad decisions? Maybe my decisions arent even so bad. I could list the things in my life that I'm unhappy about, but I'd rather not. Its a short list anyway and in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky in life. You know what doesn't lift your mood? Watching Birgitte Bardot films one after the other. Moody, sulky, pathetic little betrayer of our entire gender. I really need someone to say to me that they understand how low I feel right now, that they can actually imagine right now the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the absolute numbness in my head and the unending feeling that something needs to be fixed and I can't work out what it is. Im starting to wonder now I'm writing this whether its maybe something that I can't even fix myself, that I need someone else to do for me.

I'm blue abidee abudiii

Eurgh. Next post will be better. If you want to feel less exasperated with me then watch the Daisy Lowe video below. Puts your head in a much better place.

get lowe

What did I say Eddie? What did I say when you found out you were pregnant? "You said get me the knitting needle, Pats" A KNITTING NEEDLE SAFFIE

I can't wait to start my ilex course, I'm so over not having anything left to achieve.



I'm finding people in general really dull at the moment. Why aren't we all more spontaneous? I also seem to be finding that people read far too much into what others say and generally take everything too seriously - they're just words, and words are so easily misinterpreted. I'm finding it so tedious when people throw a strop (usually about something I've said or done) when if they could just get over themselves for one minute they'd realise that, actually, no one wants anything from you and no one has even asked. This is me, not taking responsibility for anything. (But it's true)

I have five gorgeous days off work now. I'm going to spend a lot of time sleeping, drinking gin and tonic, going for lovely long,loud drives with my windows down and music up, going to the pub with friends and spending money on frivilous meaningless trinkets and then desperately hiding them from my parents.

I love my new hat by the way, I'll post pictures soon.

So this weekend I'm going to exeter for the day on saturday to see old friends and for a change of scene (I never thought it possible to get tired of london what with so much to do, but it really is) and then sunday and monday I'm going to go back to lightwater and have drinks in my lovely big garden and HAVE THE HOTTEST BUBBLE BATH ANYONE EVER EVER EVER HAS HAD. You know that saying about how you know a bath is hot when you put your hand in and you cant tell if its too hot or too cold? I love going home, I have this little ritual that i've had for years I'm going to go home and have my lovely hot bath, then i'm going to wrap up in a towel, get a cold glass of wine and a cigarette and sit in the garden. Then i'm going to make the biggest, yummiest salad and watch my new Brigitte Bardot collection on the big screen and see old friends. It is really quite pathetic how much im looking forward to that but i'm seriously more exicted about that than any other part of my weekend including exeter, including the hoxton pony, including watching the world cup, all of it.

I found an old playlist today, songs i havent heard in months. I adore it and have had it on repeat for hours. I think the guy downstairs probably despises me. That and also i think he's in a mood because when i get home i pick up the post and put it on the table, where as he actually sorts my post and stacks it into a neat little pile and leaves it outside my door. What's the opposite of boys will be boys?

I miss lots of people. Particularly those travelling and working abroad. I adore you, the oldies are the besties.

Thats what dancers do

Day two of detox.
Cigarettes: 6
Glasses of wine: 3

My new favourite person is Josephine De La Baume.

Everything at work is driving me insane.


"This dance is the one
It's the long spin and its just begun
I'll hold onto you
That's what dancers do."