Lights of the cars go by in streams - seems like I stand pretty much unseen

All my money has gone.

I have no petrol.

If my car doesn't start tomorrow, my parents will find out I have no petrol.

I will be asked how I have spent nearly £2000 in a month considering I don't pay rent or bills.

I will be forced to say "I bought studded thigh-high boots and a Balmain replica".

I haven't even done my Christmas shopping.

I can't go to London tomorrow night.

I have tried my absolute best not to be - but I have resigned myself to the fact I am definitely going to be single for the rest of my life.

I'm not even sad about it. I think I should be.

I want my hair to grow faster.

I need to go on holiday.

I need to read a really good book I've been alternating between reading absolute trash and the Financial times for the past year. So, yeah, absolute trash.

I read a letter I wrote to you when we were 14 yesterday predicting this exact thing would happen and saying I knew we'd pull through. I really hope we do and I'm terrified.

I hate that the battery in my central locking key is running out.

I hate that instead of puting the key in the lock I still stubbornly stand there for minutes on end trying to get the electronic key to work.

I really wish people would stop interfering.

It's not the money Eddy... It's the horrible realisation I must have enjoyed ping-pong.

What became of the New Romantics?

If ever a look needed bringing back...

These sensations barely interest me for another day - I've got the spirit, lose the feeling take the shock away.

“In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.”

And even though we're moving forward, there's just the right amount of awkward and then today you accidentally...called me "baby"

Vintage goodies snapped up and literally leapt upon within the past month. The purple sequinned cruise dress will be making an appearance at The Secret Garden Party with a battered old bowler and stockings. On an even more exciting note - bidding is currently underway for a retro Moschino BUMBAG.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. ~Elaine Boosler

BPP offers £10,000 scholarship to beautician barrister
Author: Alex Aldridge

30 Nov 2009 | 14:16
A beautician who made national headlines when she defeated one of the country’s biggest property developers in the High Court earlier this month has been offered a £10,000 scholarship by BPP Law School.

Georgina Blackwell, a 23-year old with no legal training from Essex, represented her mother in a High Court dispute with Bellway Homes over access to their garden.

Blackwell took on the case herself after her mother was ordered to pay a five figure sum plus costs for refusing Bellway access to her land. She won this month’s hearing after discovering that the right of access only applied to one wall, with Bellway since paying £75,000 for access to the necessary parts of the Blackwell’s land.

Blackwell, who previously turned down several law degree places after finishing school to help with the family business, has not yet accepted BPP’s offer. She described the opportunity as the chance of a lifetime, adding that “the idea of giving up work again and becoming a student is a bit scary, plus I’ll miss my old job and my lovely clients.”

BPP introduced its LLB, which has start dates in January, May and September, for the first time this year. Blackwell intends to take the Bar Professional Training Course (BPTC) after completing the LLB, which can be carried out full time over two-three years, or part-time over six. She has also been offered some TV presenting work.

BPP Law School chief executive Peter Crisp said: “We were very impressed with Georgina’s court case, and believe that this experience will be a huge benefit as she pursues her legal career. Our teaching is based on a practical approach, we would hope that her fellow students will be encouraged by what she has achieved. We look forward to her joining BPP, and will follow her career with interest”.Click here to join the Legal Week Student Facebook group
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COMMENTS (TOTAL 7 COMMENTS)

Good on her, this was a story I read with some interest. So it will probably come down to a choice between BPP or the lead in a Hollywood adaptation of the story, in a British Erin Brockovich



They'll be letting in plumbers next.

Hmmm -30 Nov 2009 | 17:54


Gosh, wouldn't that be awful, people try to get into the legal profession based on their ability rather than class background? Whatever next - promotion not dependent on being a member of the right golf club?

Anonymous -01 Dec 2009 | 09:20

fantastic news

But the poor girl will be surrounded by the usual gang of tw8ts at BPP.

Anon -01 Dec 2009 | 16:35


Great PR stunt from BPP...

anon -01 Dec 2009 | 17:56

Didn't she do well?

Good on her x2.

I'm sure this experience will liven up her CV and will make for some interesting pupillage interviews.

Even if she doesn't get pupillage then she's at least appeared in court precisely one more time than, what, 60% of her fellow BVCers ever will!

BTW, good luck for the future if you're reading this. Despite everything the negative-minded cynics say, class is not a barrier to entry to the Bar. And can I also say that I saw your picture in the paper and thought you were really pretty!

L. R. Corvette Esq -02 Dec 2009 | 20:18

@ Hmmmm

We'll need to let plumbers in as so many lawyers have left the profession to be plumbers!

Anon -03 Dec 2009 | 11:54

Then they ran out of cake

A French museum-workers' strike widened on Thursday, forcing the closure of two of the country's most prominent attractions: the Louvre and the Palace of Versailles.

French workers continued their protest against the government's plans to replace just one out of every two retiring public servants and make cuts to certain subsidies — decisions that will strongly affect organizations owned by the state, like museums, according to union leaders. The initiative is part of a larger government cost-cutting measure.

The strike began at the Pompidou Centre for modern art in late November and expanded to the Musée d'Orsay, the Rodin Museum, the Arc de Triomphe monument and other sites on Wednesday.

While the Louvre and Versailles remained partially open on Wednesday, officials said they were forced to stay closed on Thursday due to lack of staff.

Union leaders also met with French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand on Wednesday afternoon. However, the talks proved fruitless.

"The reform must be applied," Mitterand told France-2 television on Thursday.

"If we start to make exceptions, we will never get out of this," he said, referring to the budget constraints that prompted the reform.

Nevertheless, union leaders vow to continue with the labour disruption.

"We are pressing on with the strike because we did not obtain what we wanted," said Frederic Sorbier, of the CGT union, as he stood among protesters in front of the Louvre.

"When our managers and the ministers have to face demands, they deny responsibility saying 'I can't do anything, I have no leeway for manoeuvre, I must defer to the president, the president must defer to Europe, and Europe to globalization.' So there's no solution."

Frustrated crowds also milled around outside many landmarks, including the Louvre — widely considered the world's most-visited museum and drawing an average of 15,000 visitors a day.

Fam Irvoll and all things imported

You like coolwHip?

Public announcement of life-improving decisions

1. Detox. I mean genuinely abstaining from alcohol permanently and for several very good reason s, including the following:

A text from myself to several friends at 1.45am this saturday after one Jack Daniels, four glasses of wine, a martini and a mojito -

"I'm so angry! I'm actually going to rip his head off and feed it to my dog!"

Followed by this text at 1.47am -

"I'm now outside crying because I just remembered I no longer have a dog".

2. I've decided I'm going to cut all contact with people who have a negative influence on me or are just not particularly the type of people I want to hang around.

3. Am considering stopping my driving lessons and buying a dutch city bike (one of the adorable little ones where you sit upright and have a little basket to carry around your lapdog/french baguette/boombox).

Come to think of it the last time I tried to ride a bike in Paris didn't go particularly well either (I gracefully toppled off into a nettle bush and had an epic allergic reaction) but at least it provides the opportunity to purchase streamers and a bell.




4. Post-massive-evaluation-of-my-life I think I'm probably going to have to make a few very important decisions that my parents probably wont approve of, like moving to london by myself but the point i'm trying to make is that I probably shouldn't be so dependant on my dad's approval as I suspect I am.




As far as the usual subject matter goes I have nothing to report as I've been in exeter all weekend. However I will say that Christian Dior spring-summer 1998 was an assualt on the eyes and this weekend i managed to buy four dresses, a top, a high waisted skirt and ballet flats. If we view my ongoing relationship with my overdraft as one of love-hate, this is pretty much like angry break-up sex with my bank account. Oh also I want to buy the playsuit below.



Tomorrow I might even write a post that makes sense, is topical and is actually of interest.

ps.

spent the day in London, literally from about 8am. Utterly obliterated camden, shoreditch, brick lane, portobello and the thrift shops behind oxford street. Am now the proud owner of this



and a sailor dress with buttons and a cute little anchor motif (and two topshop jumpers...may have to sell quite a lot to compensate for today's retail binge)

too tired to write, long day.

I noticed your hostility towards him, I ought to have known you were friends.

I have decided I would quite like a boy like this.



Yes please.


Have we really resorted to recruitment agencies to find dates now? Is Reed the new match.com?

x

Louder than sirens. Louder than bells.

So, how is the Empire?

Beautiful things I'm lusting after today -


I adore this, should have it hanging in my wardrobe by the end of the week.

In a really perverse way, the first thing I thought when I saw this was "that is EXACTLY what I want to wear when I sign away my life and pledge to make someone else's a living hell". Quite seriously if I ever get married I've always wanted to wear a gorgeous little silk vintage piece like this, with bare legs and massive white satin platforms (the Dune ones with little jewels along the platform) and big, big, BIG hair. I'm loving shoulder pads at the moment, the whole Balmain/Star Trekkie look is an oldie but a goodie.

I actually used to have this dress but sold it. It's a replica of a vintage one Kate Moss wore (which I believe was Dior), but the story is that she wore it to a party, had a little drunken stumble and ripped the dress, hence why it was remodelled on a shorter design. The original was floor-length.

My new/old watch. Picked this up in Ascot this morning as a little present pour moi. I've actually only ever owned one watch before, and this one needs taking in as it's too big for my wrists but in real life (the pictures don't do it justice) it is actually the most beautifully made little thing. And I like the idea of having bought it for myself, very Samantha Jones.

Heads will roll

Poor ugly Mugly: Former winner of Britain's ugliest dog loses last tuft of hair in vicious attack
By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 7:42 AM on 19th August 2009




Comments (78) Add to My Stories One of Britain's ugliest dogs is licking his wounds after mindless yobs battered him and pulled out his only tuft of hair in a mindless attack.
Police in Cambridgeshire are appealing for information after shaken Mugly - who won infamy when he was crowned Britain's Ugliest Dog in 2005 - was apparently set upon by a gang of vicious youths.

The hideous prize-winning pooch, a Shitzu-Chinese Crested cross, was rescued by a passer-by who saw off the thugs that were picking on the defenceless dog.
Enlarge Beverley Nicholson with Mugly the dog who had his last tuft of hair pulled out by yobbo teenagers
They were allegedly seen hitting him with a stick and kicking and punching him.
The local lady recognised the practically hairless cat-sized dog from missing posters that owner Bev Nicholson, 46, had put up in the Peterborough, Cambridgeshire, neighbourhood. He had escaped from a ground-floor window at home on Thursday and was missing for the day.
'They had pulled out a little tuft of hair he had on his neck,' said Bev. 'It was the only hair he had and they even managed to take off one of his eyebrows. I can't even work out how they would have done that.
Before and after: A happier Mugly before the attack (left) and looking bald and dejected (right)

'It's not like people carry scissors or a shaver around with them.' And mum-of-four Bev, a support worker for dwarf actors, reckons the youngsters may have carried out the beating because they didn't realise what Mugly was.
'I was worried sick about him,' said Bev. 'He'd never gone missing before and you worry about letting him out because of what he looks like and the fact he's so friendly.
'You just can't think why these people would do such a horrible thing. Part of me thinks they might not have even realised that he was a dog because of him having no hair so they just bullied him.
'It's horrible because he loves people so much he probably thought it was just a game and all they were interested in was hurting him.
'He was really shaken and cowered in to me when he got back to me. He was swollen and bruised around his face and rear end.' Worried Bev took her beloved six-year-old mutt to Broadway Veterinary Hospital where he had a check-up.
Mugly before the vicious attack that left him completely bald
Vet Adela Navarro said: 'He had a few cuts and was bruised and a little shaken up. We asked the owner to keep an eye on his stools for internal bleeding as a precaution.'

Distraught Bev's main worry when the pooch was missing was the fact that he wouldn't have been getting special care for his unusual needs.
She said: 'Because he's bald I have to put factor 50 sun-tan lotion on him so he doesn't burn. And because his lower teeth jut out he has to have his food in small pieces. He can't chew properly so you have to break it down for him.
'My main worry was that anyone who found him and tried to care for him wouldn't realise what's required to keep him well, so we got 25 posters up around the area pretty quick.'

Thankfully, charmer Mugly is now safely recovering at home but has sadly lost some of his sparkle. Bev said: 'He's a big character in our house and I was so relieved to have him back but he's definitely lost some of his trust.

'He seems a bit unsure when you are playing with him and his toys when normally he wouldn't think twice. I hope the police catch these people and teach them a lesson

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1207402/Poor-old-ugly-Mugly-Former-winner-Britains-ugliest-dog-loses-tuft-hair-vicious-attack.html#ixzz0Oude6HRb


10:46am UK, Wednesday August 19, 2009

Sara Merchant, Sky News reporter

Secret cameras hidden inside the elephant tent of the Great British Circus showed animals being hit with a metal hook, a broom and a pitchfork.

One of the elephants at the Great British Circus



An undercover investigation by Animal Defenders International (ADI) filmed three elephants - Sonja, Delhi and Vana Mana - during the circus's tour of Britain this summer.

A groom is seen deliberately twisting an animal's tail and the elephants are shown crying out in distress and retreating in fear from their handlers.

Jan Creamer, ADI chief executive, said: "In the name of entertainment these elephants are beaten, jabbed with hooks, chained up for hours, and pushed into a metal box each week where they remain for hours on end whilst the circus moves to another site."

This is the first time elephants have been seen performing inside a big top in ten years.

The two Asian and one African elephant have been transported round the country for the tour.



Camera catches elephant action

Ms Creamer added: "This is an indictment of the circus industry and also the Government who have failed to fulfil their commitment to ban the use of wild animals in travelling circuses.

"It is time for the Government to act decisively and end this suffering for once and all."

The animals are also shown swaying, rocking and repeatedly bobbing their heads.

The campaigners claim their behaviour is evidence of deeply disturbed animals, deprived of their herd, natural habitat and ability to roam.

But a spokesman for the Great British Circus said: "Studies by eminent scientists reveal that trained animals sway and head-bob in excited anticipation, for example before a performance or as food is prepared."

He added: "We do see the trainer strike an elephant with a wooden stick. When the elephants are feeding, they are prone to bully one another and attempt to steal food.

"If voice commands are ignored, a minimal and proportionate use of negative reinforcement may be used on rare occasions."

The groom caught on camera striking the elephants has now been sacked.


Was actually disgusted beyond words when I read these. There is absolutely no excuse for violence against defenceless, trusting animals and the pathetic suggestion that they might not have realised it was a dog is meaningless - so what if they didn't? I can't get over how another human being could actually inflict this kind of behaviour on something so small and timid.




Lots of news but it's been ages since I posted and I cba to give a full report. Been to oxford and Blenheim Palace this week which was gorgeous, then spent the rest of the week recovering from some weird virus/illness thing and did lots of incredibly sexy things like file my receipts and shred old bank statements. Off to see a play tonight and probably pop round Kim's first, thrift store shopping in London this week and then two parties to go to at the weekend. Looking forward to next month even more though, goin to NME at koko, days of decadence, several vintage fairs and a weekend in exeter. Might do nottinghill carnival next weekend too if i'm not too sleepy, lovely like llamas. And my new vintage jumper arrived today, looks best on (oxy) morons.

This afternoon I have another french film to watch, they're working wonders. Will have a nice little painting session whilst I watch it, then sell a few more bits and bobs (I am having a clearout of epic proportions) and fill out a few more applications.

Not just any post - this is an M&S post

Why are some people such headcases?



Day three of raw veganism. All I've eaten for three days is fruit, veg and a handful of nuts. I had one minor slip up on Monday when I was having coffee with a friend and accidently ate the biscuit that came with the coffee but I think it's because I was distracted and talking. And I wanted a biscuit.

Signed up for intermediate french classes and might also think about signing up for dress-making depending on how much time I have. Plan at the moment is to put myself forward for work placements until christmas, build up a super-cv to defeat all other cv's and then snag some highly paid job in january/refuse to leave my placement until they offer me a permenant position.

I'm in for a lovely few days anyway and I raided Waterstones today. Found a little book which is kind of written as a satire of all those "A Child Called It" type books. It's called "Abandoned. Betrayed. Stuck to the Window."

Decisions

1. Raw veganism, third attempt. Am going to take it VERY seriously this time and am possibly even considering giving up alcohol in accordance (last time I didn't) not sure about giving up milk in my coffee yet because I drink so much of the stuff and yes, I've tried rice milk - once, twice, never again. Potential problems being that my parents are well aware I'm rather a picky eater anyway and have developed that nasty habit of throwing "you look like you could do with a fry-up" comments at me if I'm not seen to be eating on the hour, every hour. No exagguration. Never mind, we'll give it a go. Am supposed to be going on a picnic today so I need to hunt down some fruit salad and nut mix.

2. I despise my hair. I have tried, REALLY tried to like it. It isn't me. I am not short-hair material. This means buying lots of full-head extensions and waiting six months for my actual hair to grow to roughly bob-length, then going to toni and guy and getting them to do everything professionally (i am never dying my own hair again, there's no point). This is generally going to be a massive angst, faux hair is terrible for swimming/gymming/sex etc, not to mention it always looks immaculate causing people to compliment you on it, resulting in the dilemma of "do I say thank you" or do I say "thank you, I paid for it myself", or even better "thank you, I hear the russian orphan I bought it from is recovering very well".

3. Nose ring is out. Probably for good.

4. Must get car, must get job, must get apartment. Self-explanatory. Have been applying for legal administrator positions recently, hate to be pessamistic but I don't hold out much hope. Parents seem to think of this as a nice opportunity for me to live at home, have my washing done and take it easy. Where as I, literally by day two of "lady of leisureness" was climbing the walls because I feel utterly useless not doing anything productive.

5. Must locate and emotionally manipulate potential boyfriend, convince him to accompany me travelling so that I have a male escort and then get rid. Partially joking, but seriously, much as I adore being single even I have to admit they come in handy for travelling/+1 invitations. My german teacher once told me it's best to have "lots of boyfriends" but I've come to realise it gets you into more trouble than its worth and you run the risk of a public stoning. Not to mention should you really take advice from the germans.

Have also decided to stop wearing make-up, to take pictures of amost everything I do and to refrain from buying any new clothes until I stop tripping over things in my wardrobe that I actually forgot I had. To quote one person "your room feels like a big dressing up box".

Am wondering if I should replace it with another expensive hobby. Like war. Or coke.

I am a Voguette

Generally as incensed as the rest of the female population probably is about this, not really "representin'" are you Harman?



Lovely week so far, minus blazing-row-round-two with the father, I tell myself he's only doing it because he wants to give me an incentive to get a job and move out. very selfless of him really.

Windlesham street party tonight which used to involve all of us shotting alcopops under hedges, breaking into random people's homes and running barefoot around windlesham in the middle of the night. Can't really promise tonight won't be more of the same, why fix what isn't broken? Anyway I'm actually really looking forward to the walk there this afternoon, it's a lovely walk to do in the sunshine so fingers crossed it stays gorgeous outside.

Sitting here smothered in hair dye, painting my nails and plucking my eyebrows before I go and exfoiliate myself raw in the shower. If only there were a pretty stick one could be hit by. Be a lot more simple.

The mad, the bad, the ugly.

Gimme gimme gimme.




The motorbike, obviously, not the attention seeking model draped across it.

On a more realistic note, how adorable is this? And only £28 from asos.com.



Anyone wishing to splash some cash on me...hintedly-smack-in-the-face-hint.

Speaking of cash, horrible prom-dress-selling-banshee has been entirely unco-operative and so ebay refunded me the money themselves. I've also sold about £150 worth of clothes in three days just by clearing out my wardrobe and half heartedly selling them, in fact I haven't even begun listing any stock yet.

Turned down both job offers after a mammoth scene with my dad (one of those horrible ones that take place in cars) I love my dad to pieces but he does have a habit of being entirely supportive about things and the changing his tune at the last minute and making me out to be impulsive and unfocused (possibly true but I'm perfectly happy bumbling along how I am). Anyway he came home and we made up, then I applied for lots of lovely legal jobs in the city. Big lights bright city.

Tatler had an interesting article today about the re-emergance of the "priviligenstia", read it if you get the chance it's quite amusing.

Lacroix has apparently had some encouraging bids and on a very random note, I know I have a few friends in IT/graphics/photography - net-a-porter.com are looking for a junior retoucher, could be a good opportunity if luxury fashion is yo cup of tea.

On a less encouraging note - Peaches Geldof has been cited as Biba's new muse. Now this girl inspires many feelings within me, creativity and eccentricity not being among them. Take your irritating little face out of the public eye please girlie, having ridden your 15 minutes of fame to exhaustion don't make the mistake of reversing over them too.

Isabel Lucas (model, actress and animal right's activist) might just be my new favourite person.



Driving lesson tomorrow then off to Kim's for a bit and a family do in the evening.

Considering

Considering deleting everything. Facebook, blog, phonebook, emails.

Considering not being so accomodating.

Considering being reckless and suffering the consequences.

If we did half the things we instinctively want to, the world would be a much more passionate place. Isn't it time for a dramatic gesture?

Fools rush in

Fool.

I think my dog, Crab, be the SOUREST NATURED DOG THAT EVER LIVED.

Urgh. That bloody woman won't give me my money back for my graduation dress. I'll show her who's not afraid to go crying to the ebay dispute resolution centre...

Interview went really well this morning, particularly at the point where, whilst describing my duties, she pipes up with "of course sometimes people won't want to give you information, which is when we employ certain tactics. Now, I don't want to use the word "illegal", but..." Essentially, I'd be paid £12 per hour to be sneaky and I've always wanted to whisper onimously down the phone "you'll never know...."

FINALLY getting my mop chopped next Tuesday, and will probably strip the colour out again because I'm royally fed up with being a bottle brunette. I'll probably strip it and then put a light brown in over the blonde. I'm sure you're all enthralled by this...

Quite looking forward to Exeter, although there are a certain couple of people I'd like to see and it doesn't really seem to be happening...am contemplating being more forceful but seeing as I rarely ever have to pursue anything I'm not sure what to do short of posting it on a blimp over Princesshay.

Am out tomorrow and the rest of the week but absolutely can't wait to watch my Versailles programme on tv tonight and get my arts and crafts on again. Probabaly going to book tickets to the proms tonight too, so along with Field Day, Ronnie Scotts, Whirly Gig and Hot Damn I am going to be an utter pauper next month. Might go sell some talcum powder on the mean streets of Lightwater.

Unedited shenanigans from Saturday -


Look at that big, sexy brain. Ha.

Quite seriously all the pavalova about what to wear friday is driving me insane. May go in jeans and a Garfield jumper. No joke.

Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot

Just spent the past two hours customising a sequinned waistcoat - I am literally COVERED in fabric glue and after painstakingly attaching every single bloody sequin I think I've lost the will to live. Anyway Emma and I decided to take a raincheck on tonight's party and I'll need my beauty sleep for tomorrow anyway, so I'm going to snuggle up in bed whilst it rains outside and watch Atonement.

Oh also today I found the most amazingly kitsch tankard/mug - it's designed to look like a tree trunk. I'm going to fit right in at Field Day what with the crockery smashing competitions and young offender's ping pong. Winner.

Angsty pants

Why is it we always want to rant and ramble late at night? I wonder what the first ever deep and meaningful was like. And why do we do it anyway? Why do humans keep diaries and journals and blogs and feel the need to tell other people what they're thinking? I suppose not everyone does, I never used to tell people anything private unless I had to but these days I have absolutely no shame whatsoever and I think most of my friends know more about whats going on with me than I do sometimes. I'm not sure why that's a negative thing, but it feels like it.

I hate that half of me is still back in Exeter. I know there are a certain few people I'll still visit, but other than that how are you supposed to cut all ties with a place where you've had so many experiences over the past few years? Just because someone isn't a close friend or an old boyfriend why should that make it any less important to keep in contact...but then why keep in contact with someone when, from a completely impartial point of view, they probably won't ever have any significant impact on your life again? I don't want to keep marking off weekends in my diary so I can jump back on a train to Exeter, especially when I've realised how many incredible friendships I have at home and how easy it is to pick up where you left off three years ago.

I had a little panic earlier. The next year of my life is going to spent trying to remember to send "pre-midnight" texts to my parents if I decide to stay out and making up excuses about where I am and who I'm with...no more crashing in at 5am and drinking in tea in the kitchen and leaving a trail of belongings up the stairs. I might get another tattoo. I'm not sure why, I got over my tattoo phase years ago. I really wanted to paint something earlier but I have no idea what...I used to have so much patience for things like that, I'd spend days over a painting and now I can't even be bothered to doodle. I don't know why I'm talking about doodling. I get really frustrated with myself these days, I keep thinking horrible things (also, I've had this thing recently where something terrible will cross my mind and I'll think "god, can you imagine..." literally always those exact same words and now I think I've jinxed myself and one day one of these horrible things will happen and it will all be because I kept saying "god, can you imagine" like I was asking for it or something) and I keep completely fucking myself over too, entirely in self-sabotage mode, and where as whenever anything used to go wrong I'd write really long lists of the things I needed to do to make everything ok again and turn things around now I've completely screwed everything up so many times I know my lists are useless and so I have nothing to do, no motions to go through, to even TRY and make myself feel better. And what is a Luckey Oakfield girl without her lists????

This time last year I was in a serious relationship, completely and utterly in love and applying for training contracts with top Law firms. What's scary is that I was so blissfully happy, and I can remember what it felt like, but I can't seem to imagine myself like that again. I know it's a massive assertion to make but I quite seriously can't imagine myself ever feeling that attached to someone again. And part of me really wants to but whenever I get anywhere close I get this horrible uncomfortable feeling like things are expected of me and the same seems to be happening with careers; the thought of being stuck in some 3 year graduate programme absolutely terrifies me. When did I become such a commitment-phobic cliche?

I was really hoping writing all this down would get it off my chest and help me get to sleep but I'm wide awake. Quite seriously I have no idea what to tell myself or how to remind myself to stop fucking up at the moment. How can you be so in control one minute and so...the next. And I know it probably did happen around the time we broke up, so was I a perfectionist for me or for someone else? Everyone claims you go away to uni to find yourself but quite honestly I had a much better idea of what I wanted from life before I left.

Where have you Balmain all my life??